17 Again and Very Green Grass

Yes...I saw the Zach Efron movie. It was really good actually. And yes, there may have been a musical number involving basketball...maybe he wouldn't feel at home in a movie unless it had that element. Anyway, great flick, good message. The reason for the main character's transformation is regret. He has lived a great portion of his adult life regretting decisions he made at 17 that took him on a different road than the one he had planned. So, in a very It's a Wonderful Life, way, he travels back in time. Anyway, see it... but the point is that it got me thinking. I have regrets. In my very short 8 years since high school, I can think of things I wish had been different. Here we go:

1) In high school there was a guy on my swim team (tall with an amazing swimmer/ Greek god body) who had a heart of gold. A heart, that at one time in it's 17 year old capacity, beat for me. I should have kissed his face and kissed it good.

2) I should have gotten better grades at BYU. I could do the work...somehow it just didn't feel like I could keep on top at the time...I was young...

3) I should have gone to Disney World with the little paying internship to be a performer...I got the job of Tigger. I was too tall for a princess and was crusty about it. I didn't go...it could have been fun and could have fulfilled this little wish I still have of being on stage (it would have been in parades but hey...we'll call it stage).

4) No mission...

5) That amazing (again tall) boy who wanted to love me. Heaven bless him...and his beautiful new wife!

6) That first go at a teaching career...I sucked at it. I really did and there were so many things I could have done differently and should have figured out how to... There were a lot of turns I could have taken to get me on track earlier. I didn't take them.

These things I regret are here for you to see. I want them written down, acknowledged...and done with. I look back on all of them and realize that I always had something else I wanted to be, somewhere else I thought it more important to go...and if they had all worked out, and I was not regretting them, the list would be different but, having done one thing, would have kept me from another. Most of the things on the list are things I regret, but know were supposed to be or were guided somehow. Some I would change if I could. But last on the list is this...

7) I regret ever having spent time regretting...

The movie Mansfield Park ends with a quote from the character Fanny Price. "It could have turned out differently, I suppose. But it didn't."

On the Crayola website, there are listed 9 shades of green. The dictionary defines green as any color between yellow and blue on the color spectrum. So in reality, no green can be "greener" than another. They can be more on the blue side, or more on the yellow side, but none are greener. They're just different. Why then do we even have that saying... "The grass is always greener on the other side." I can think though of a lot of "other sides" that have coveted green grass on them. The other side of these last 8 years seems really green...back when I was in high school. I had so much potential then and no mistakes were made yet. But if I think hard enough, I remember the brown patches. Sometimes other people's lives look like they're a green I could get used to. But I don't see everything. My life hasn't been exactly what I had imagined... but when is life ever that way. What do 17 year olds know about their futures? Nada. At 17 though I did have some anchors and those things have not changed. And my life has had a lot of good in it (keep in perspective that this blog is just about the regrets...there have been successes). Wishing, comparing, regretting, crying, wishing some more...doesn't get ya far that's for sure. I'm gonna work on living in the now from now on. That way, at the end of the next 8 years, wasted time thinking about the past, won't be on my list of regrets. Likely there'll still be a list... but I won't be wasting time thinking about it.

Is the grass greener on my side?... Nope. But I like this shade.

Voice Lessons

I overheard a conversation at work a couple of weeks ago. Rather, I overheard a tone...you know the one. It's the one from which you hear snatches such as these: "And can you believe...[murmur, murmur, murmur, tsk!]. Well I never! [low tones, low tones..... build....and] REALLY! And did you know she... [secret, secret, eye roll]. I know I would never... [condemn condemn condemn]." It's not the kind of conversation in which you expect to hear a person's highest points acclaimed. I thought at that moment that if I could work out a way to never again hear my voice use those tones in that order, I would somehow have broken the mold. Along with all of the beauty and grace and gentleness associated with womanhood, there is also the gossip and the nag. This frustrates me.

Last week I was in a place of worship. It was clean and beautiful and the people inside were dressed simply and beautifully. As I sat pondering, I decided to tune into tone again. I listened to these tones in comparison to the tones I'd heard before. They were different. They were subdued and gentle. Because there was very little talking at all, the talking that was done was important. Couples and families and loved ones spoke of that which was most important and uplifting. They were likely speaking of children they loved, close ones they worried for, and love they shared. They were talking with the intent to help and hope for and heal, not disgrace or put down.

In the places I feel most peace, I hear the tones described in the second paragraph of this blog. It is a goal of mine to create that same tone for my home and all places over which I have any influence. Wish me luck!