Of good report...

Waiting

2012-01-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

by John Burroughs (1837-1921)

Serene, I fold my hands and wait,
Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;
I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,
For, lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays,
For what avails this eager pace?
I stand amid the eternal ways,
And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day,
The friends I seek are seeking me;
No wind can drive my bark astray,
Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone?
I wait with joy the coming years;
My heart shall reap where it hath sown,
And garner up its fruit of tears.

The waters know their own and draw
The brook that springs in yonder height;
So flows the good with equal law
Unto the soul of pure delight.

The stars come nightly to the sky;
The tidal wave unto the sea;
Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,
Can keep my own away from me.

Funeral Address for Grandma October 8, 2011

2011-10-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity denvieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whetherthere be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

My name is Kathryn Rappleye and Oleta Kimball Rappleye is grandmother. Her life is an example of charity. I’d like to take examples from her life to illustrate four of the definitions of charity found in this scripture.

1)Charity is kind: My sister and I were able to come home from Utah to visit grandma last month. In a weekend we saw her three times and each time we were met by her love for us, but were unsure if she knew that we had already been there. At the end of our last visit, we all walked grandma down to lunch. As we left her room, we walked by an obviously distraught and uncomfortable new resident at the Hallmark. My dad asked if we could help her down to her meal but she wanted to take care of herself. Grandma offered service in another way. She simply reached down and hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and spoke reassuring words. Her ability to offer physical assistance at this point would have been low. But her ability to show kindness was unfailing. I always found her ability to focus on others amazing, especially considering what I thought to be great trials of her own.

Sister Allred, the first counselor in the General Relief Society presidency, shared her thoughts on charity in her recent General Relief Society Meeting address. She said, “When we have charity, we are willing to serve and help others when it is inconvenient and with no thought of recognition or reciprocation. We don’t wait to be assigned to help, because it becomes our very nature. As we choose to be kind, caring, generous, patient, accepting, forgiving, inclusive, and selfless, we discover we are abounding in charity.”

Charity had become part of Grandma’s nature through kindness.

2) Charity thinketh no evil: As a family, we knew more about people we had never met than about some of our own friends. But we didn’t know about them because of gossip or unkind observations. Grandma did not need to create intrigue by speaking in hushed tones about the imperfections or flaws of those around her. She always spoke with love and concern for the troubles happening in the lives of those in her family, neighborhood, and ward. She was concerned by the health or loneliness of others when her own status of widowhood had already extended past two decades of time and her health was in its own stages of decline.

Sister Allred quoted the Prophet Joseph Smith in her talk saying: “Don’t be limited in your views with regard to your neighbors’ virtues. … You must enlarge your souls toward others if you [would] do like Jesus. … As you increase in innocence and virtue, as you increase in goodness, let your hearts expand—let them be enlarged towards others—you must be longsuffering and bear with the faults and errors of mankind. How precious are the souls of men!”

We learned about the heartaches of others because they had become her heartaches as she bore the burdens of others in the course of doing her visiting teaching and in being a good neighbor. She too could exclaim, “How precious are the souls of men!”

3) Charity rejoiceth in the truth: My grandma never failed to share her testimony of the gospel. She had hope in the doctrine that families can be forever and looked forward to the time when she would be reunited with her loved ones. She knew her Savior Jesus Christ and followed his example of charity. Today her grandson, who shares in her love of truth, is serving a full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As every time she spoke to us she expressed gratitude for a good family and for the knowledge and peace offered through the gospel she helped to build our own testimonies.

I’d like to take this opportunity to testify that I have faith in the atoning power offered through Jesus Christ and that all mankind can be saved through repentance. I wear black because of the tradition of respect offered at funerals but not because any sadness at losing grandma’s company here on earth can outweigh my knowledge that I will be reunited with her when my own mortal work is complete.

4) Charity never faileth. Whetherthere be knowledge, it shall vanish away: As Alzheimer’s took much of grandma’s knowledge away, it could not touch that which had become a part of her.

Sister Allred stated: “Mormon… teaches that charity is bestowed upon the Lord’s true disciples and that charity purifies those who have it.”

Grandmother’s heart was made pure by her continued practice of charity.

I was raised on cherry tomatoes, and oranges and grapefruit and along side the roses of grandma’s back yard. I was also raised on love and faith. My middle name is Lori which comes from my maternal grandmother’s name Lorena. The baby of our family is Erin Kimberly… her middle name coming from Grandma Rappleye’s maiden name Kimball. When you give an eight plus pound baby girl the genes of great size, you can be sure she will end up tall, as Erin and I did. But when you give a baby girl the name of a good woman, you hope she follows suit. Our goal is to live up to the legacy left for us. Whenever grandma would praise us for beauty, which grandmas are allowed to do, we would always say, “Grandma, we get it from you.” The last time I spoke to my grandma was on the phone a few days before she died. As Aunt Trish held the phone up to her ear, I told her I loved her and said that I’ve always looked up to her and hoped to be the kind of woman she is some day. If, when I am able once more to be at her side, and if at that point she can see in me a woman full of charity, I will be able to say again, “Grandma, I get it from you.” I bear testimony that charity is the pure love of Christ and that His love is made manifest through the mortal examples of those around us and that I had a shining example of it in the mortal life of the woman we honor today.

Moroni 7:47 reads, “But acharity is the pure blove of Christ, and it endurethcforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”

It is well with my grandma. May each of us live that it might be well with us is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Train of Thought- For Dad

2011-06-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was on an evening walk with a good friend recently and we heard the sound of a train in the distance. I told him that that sound always reminds me of my dad. When I was in high school, I would always hear the sound of a train early in the morning. My schedule had trained my body pretty good to wake up naturally at a specific time even before my alarm and this was the order of events: 1) wake up 2) sound of train whistle 3) alarm clock buzz 4) Dad coming in the room and gently saying, "Kathy, time to get up." Now, every time I hear a train whistle I think of him. One time, during one of my first years away from home at college, I was going to bed late after working on homework or something and would be getting up very early for swim practice and I was praying, before going to bed, asking that I be given the strength to handle how tired life was making me. Then, in the distance, I heard the sound of a train, I thought of my dad, and I knew I could do it. It all comes back to the love of a father.

They say that all good things must come to an end. Well all good things had a beginning too and my good life began in California under the care of two very loving parents. Now, I live in Utah and, when my parents visit me here, they like to have an "our place." It has been Zupas for their soup and sandwich combo, Rooster for their desserts, and is now Thai Drift (coconut soup and pineapple curry... yum). I think it's my parents' way of feeling like they have a spot my my life still. How little they understand about their "spot" here... it's a bit bigger than that. This blog is to honor my dad for Father's Day and to show how many trains of thought in my every day life lead back to him. There is a whole train yard full for my mom as well. All roads lead home and all trains of thought lead back to you Dad.

Wake up. Early. Get ready and put makeup on a pair of green eyes with one brown freckle in the right one. A matching set is probably grading physics papers right now (hold the makeup). That set has two freckles. Lucky.

Downstairs to eat. Hmmm... what to have? Ah! Bread with peanut butter and honey on it... opened face and eaten with a fork. Tall glass of milk. (Sometime I like eating peanut butter just so milk is even more refreshing.) I spread peanut butter. A small smile. Dad's peanut butter is usually spread almost as thick as the bread. The honey is poured generously too. The man likes his toppings.

Hop in the car. Country song on the radio. Country was the music we listened to on the way to seminary and to swimming. We'd sing along even if we only knew some of the words.

Go for a swim. A random stranger asks for advice because she's having problems breathing correctly and she wants to compete in a triathalon. Know how to help her. Teach her about her stroke using physics. Dad always explained things so well.

Plan to go to a shooting range this weekend with a friend. My dad was in the National Guard. He did rock climbing and a lot of sports with his girls but didn't take us shooting. There are so many things he's so good at that were a big part of who he was, before we became a big part of who he was, that we have never even seen. He was a big skier before we were born too. Maybe next time Dad is in town he could take me shooting.

Shop for shoes. Head straight to the big sizes. There are only two places (Payless and Target) that I can shop for shoes because they carry my size. Other than that I have to shop online for them at department stores. Tall people problems. Ah, you get used to them. I love being tall. I get that from my dad's side of the family.

Meet up with Megan to get a hamburger for lunch at Five Guys. They have such good burgers. The best hamburgers in world are found at Happy Jacks. Happy Jacks is small, family owned place in my hometown. It was always a place Erin, Dad, and I would go. Last time I talked to Dad on the phone, we made a plan to go when I'm in town this summer.

Read something about the happenings in the middle east. Want some clarification on the background of the story. Call Dad.

See an advertisement for The Scottish Games. Ah, HIghland High School... those were some good times. Teenage years are hard, but they're better knowing someone you love is near by. Dad was there.

Counsel with a good friend. Have that friend walk me through the pros and cons list of a big decision. He does a good job of helping me see the options and asks the right questions to get at what my concerns are. He leaves me with the feeling that I can work things out and that I will make a right choice. He has helped to clear my mind but it is my mind that gets to make the decision. I feel able. The choice I make will be a good one and I don't feel pressure one way or the other and don't necessarily know what my friend thinks is the right choice. My dad counsels with me like this too and always has. I was never really a teenager who was told what to do. I came to him and we sorted through things and then I would hear something like, "You know Kath, I think that you've got a good idea. That makes a lot of sense. Good luck." (I even heard that this week from him.)

See a boy I could be interested in at a party. He may ask me out someday... or not. Whatever happens I know that I deserve a good man and that the only option is to find one who respects and treats me with kindness. I expect and assume great things will come from the man I love. The first man to love me on earth adored me and cared for me as one of the richest blessings of his life. I am one of four women he devotes everything to. We are treated as queens and he is honored in return. The next man to treat me that well has no idea how much love and care he'll receive from me in return. I was taught to recognize love and taught to give it.

Go on an evening walk. I wish Dad were here and he could go with me. We could walk and talk or walk and not talk and feel completely comfortable. Look at the incoming storm. I love clouds. This time I think of another father. This father created this beautiful world I live in. He sent me to an earthly father who would teach me to have faith and hope in Him. This particular father, and how well he did at expressing his love through kind service to his family, would make it easy for me to understand the love of a Heavenly Father. It would just make sense. Having lived a life filled with love from an earthly father, love I could not earn but was just freely given, I could conceive of the love of a Heavenly Father. Again this love would simply be given because it had not been earned. I recognize that weak and flawed as I am, I am loveable. That is a rich blessing indeed and my Lifetime Blessing Quota is filled from Day 1. Life is also full of challenges. But I can face those challenges remembering the love of both fathers. I go home and pray to the one and for the other.

And as I hit the pillow, I hear the distant sound of a train.

The Paralyzingly Self-Fullfilling Prophesy Power of Fear

2011-05-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

Fear by Shel Silverstein
Barnabus Browning
Was scared of drowning,
So he never would swim
Or get into a boat
Or take a bath
Or cross a moat.
He just sat day and night
With his door locked tight
And the windows nailed down,
Shaking with fear
That a wave might appear,
And cried so many tears
That they filled up the room
And he drowned.

The Twits by Roald Dahl

2011-03-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

Quote:
"If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it.
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.
"Nothing good shone out of Mrs. Twit's face."

The greatest thing, you'll ever learn...

2011-02-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a nice day. I spent most of the time with my best friend Megan. I started this particular day of days with (gentle overture) cleaning my bathroom and the kitchen (Fun huh? You're jealous...a lot jealous...). Then we got dressed up in adorable gear and went on a walk in the rain. It was lovely outside. When we got home we were sufficiently hungry and so (crescendo) while she read to me from Harry Potter (build, build), I set to work making us lunch and ended up producing a fairly mediocre version of a Pad Thai recipe I'd never tried before (climax!). Then, Megan had to go into work and I wanted to go look around Borders (decrescendo) and so she dropped me off and I hung ten until she was ready to go and we were headed to groceries afterward.

Epiphany: Megan and I spent the whole day together because it just happened to work out that way. And, we did just regular stuff. And it was great! Some/most Saturdays we don't get that chance and we just do our own thing. I wonder what it would be like to spend that kind of day with a man because it was assumed that we spend time together when we can and I could kiss his face too! Even more fun!

Assessment of mankind:

1) While at Borders I had a random and wonderful conversation with a complete stranger as I drank hot chocolate and read while he worked on some writing. He was, I assume (by the ring), married and we were definitely different "types" of human being and so we were able to carry on a purely "interested in other human being and their thoughts with no ulterior motive or pretension because I will never see her/him again" moment and it felt wonderful! We talked about a documentary movie he had helped with and the obesity problem in the United States. We inquired and showed interest in the other and left with not even a name to identify each other with and I felt completely connected to the human race and so alive I was just floating. So cool. People like other people.

2) A conversation with a male friend a week or two ago: Said friend likes to read stories of men who were changed by the women who love them. He likes to hear stories from church leaders of how a wife has made a great man the man he is. He relishes in that kind of love story, as well he should. We all should want that. My worry, as dictated to him, consists of the fear that we all expect that kind of love to, have us at "hello." I expressed to him my concern that he does this in his own relationships. That love that can be told of and relished in is a love that grows over years of time together and a lot of regular, not lightening bolt days. Do we get that? Are we okay with that?

My advertisement for love:
Pretty regular girl seeks pretty regular boy.
Plan on my hips getting bigger.
I'll plan on you losing hair.
Plan on days of errands and dishes.
Plan for days of sickness and bath robes.
And plan on this too;
Plan on having more love than you know what to do with unleashed on you from a fire hydrant of wonderfulness. I've have been waiting for you to come along and allow me to be what I could be for someone. But plan on this...
Someday you will wake up and I will be gone. You will look back on our lives together and think, "No woman ever loved a man as I was loved by Kathryn." And, you will, naturally, be quite wrong. What a selfish thing to believe. How would that be fair to the rest of the world? Women have loved men and men have loved women for many years now. Why would we get to be that special? You will be right in this: No woman ever loved YOU as I loved you. That will be the only difference and the difference that makes all the difference in the world. I was important and you could give a talk in church or write poetry, if you feel so inclined, about how I changed your life simply because I was the one that shared it.

Mundane is typically thought of and defined as ordinary or common. Another definition for it though is earthly. is I think of the day I spent doing the "mundane" tasks of life with my roommate. As she went off to bed that night and I hung on the couch reading a book we said goodnight and she said, "That was a really nice day." It really was. I was not in my most entertaining mood. Truth is I'm really stressed with work these days and it has kind of consumed my energy. I was just kind of regular that day. I didn't feel like I needed to entertain her and I didn't try hard to show more enthusiasm than I am currently feeling in life. But it was good. That simple, tired, laid back version of myself was enough for her. I am enough. Isn't that all we need? Spending time with her validated my existence. My shared experience with that artsy human being in saddle shoes and horned rimmed glasses at Borders was validating as well. If mundane means earthly then yes, I want to spend time with people in the mundane of life. What I want is that one person in life who commits to spend Saturdays in the mundane tasks with me and to sharing human experience with me for the rest of my life. I need that. That's all.

Lyric from Moulin Rouge: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."

Satan Hates Your Guts!

2010-10-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

Today at church, I heard again the story of a construction accident which resulted in death, injury, and, for a lucky few, a short time (which likely seemed longer) contemplating life, love, and the horrible fall that would result with one false move. Those who survived were rescued from the precarious position of holding on to a ledge one inch thick with their fingers while standing on another beam some few inches wide. The accident occurred when the scaffolding fell from a bridge these men were painting. The question was asked as to why the workers did not have safety gear. It turns out that they did... but were not wearing it at the time. The speaker today went on to talk about the fact that he uses his seat-belt only because the stinking beeping that happens if he doesn't. These stories led of course to a talk on the need to focus on doing those things that will keep us protected from the powers of Satan. These are little things like prayer and scripture study and whatever other way you build up protective forces in your life in order to withstand the pressures and power of the one who would make you unhappy.

I've also had recent epiphanies as to how Satan attacks and WOW! He is good at what he does! A talk given during the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in October spoke of how sneaky Satan is. The talk started with a lesson on fly fishing. The speaker spoke of good fly fishermen studying and knowing about what the trout in the area were used to eating, within their season, and then making their flies to match so perfectly or be such a perfect fake that the trout would be fooled. Well... I finally recognize where I am being fooled! There are some things that just seem to me to be obvious wrong choices in life and so Satan is not trying to get me to make those choices. Being a proverbial trout, he is not trying to lure me with a neon butterfly when he knows I'm eating grasshoppers this time of year. He is so good at twisting the truth and making the fake seem so like the real. In my case, the truth is that I have things to work on and get better at... I'm human. Shucks! Good truth. The twist he adds is that having things to work on makes me a failure, and not just for the present, but indefinitely. I will never get better. This is not true.

So, I've seen where our comparisons to safety gear and seat belts break down. It is tempting not to wear safety equipment because it is only there in case of an accident. Our thoughts are that, accidents don't often happen and likely won't happen to us. So, forgetting a helmet just once or not wearing the belt because it will wrinkle the dress seem not to be big issues. This is what we need to understand: when it comes to Satan's plan for good people, we are under attack every day. Satan hates your guts! He is not conveniently taking a break on the same day you didn't take time to pray and study. He won't be, "Back in 5," at the exact moment you have a frustrating interaction with a loved one and are not spiritually prepared to handle it appropriately. Satan hates your guts! He hates them! So buckle up... there will be an accident today! There will be one tomorrow too so you should just plan on saying your prayers again tomorrow. Your God is not stronger because you've spent time with him. You are stronger and, hold onto your socks, you better believe you need to be!

First Tuesday of Month... Last October

2010-10-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Flashback Onomatopoeia Style:

Monday Night:
ugh
gurgle
whisper

Tuesday Morning:
Whack!
Wham!!!
Thud!!!!!

Ride to hospital:
jingle
vroom
clang
screech

Pain Killer:
zing
whoosh
ahhhhh

Decisions:
murmur
gurgle
murmur
RUMBLE
murmur
ROAR!!!

Under:
zing
whoosh
ahhhhh

Waking:
tick
drip
tock
drip
tick
drip
tock
drip

Waiting:
shhhhh
tick
murmur
tock
whisper
tick
whew!

Waiting:
shuffle
shuffle
chatter
tock
chirp
whew!

Release:
bubble
clatter
BAM!

27.1

2010-08-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

I just had a conversation with my dad about successes and failures. He reminded me of a moment in my swimming career that shines out above the rest as one of my favorite to remember, though it was kind of painful. It was not my best swim. Not everything went perfectly. I did not win. But it was my best race ever. Ever!

It was the Mountain West Conference Campionship my sophomore year at BYU. I wanted to do things that were not swimming with my life and was thinking about it being my last year (which it did end up being) and so my dad had come out to Oaklahoma to be there with me. (I was always asked if I felt pressure growing up because my dad was a swim coach. I always responded with, "No, he comes to everything I do.") I was swimming the back stroke leg in the medley relay. A relay holds pressure because of the other three people depending on you. The backstroke leg is also the first.

So, a backstroker starts in kind of a precarious position. My hands are up over my head on the starting block and my feet are up against the wall (Speaking of my dad, I should ask him, scientifically speaking, how this ever works because it seems to go against all reason.) All strangeness aside, I was/am actually very good at the backstroke start. I used to joke with people that I can't actually swim but I have great starts and turns. (Honestly and humbly speaking, I'm actually good at all of it.)

Well, here we go. Relay. Conference. Lead out. "Swimmers in the water." Jump in. Cold. "Swimmers place your feet." Place feet like I always do... a little more than shoulder length apart, about a foot under the water. "Swimmers take your marks." Pull up on the back stroke bar into a kind of fetal position. "Beep!!!" DEAD IN THE WATER! My feet had slipped and instead of being out past the flags like I should be, I'm sprawled out right at the wall. Adreneline and panic set in... this is only a 50... I don't have enough time catch up... As soon as I hit the water, dead, I dolphin kick my brains out and come out at about my normal spot for a 50 (about 10 yards out) and I swim like I have never swam before. I stroke hard, I nail my turn, and dolphin kick out and I swim with all of my might. I go from being last by more than a body length to fourth when the breaststroker dives in. At the college level, a 50 backstroke is not an individual event so I have very little to compare my time to. But my time is fastish. When I talk to my dad afterwards, and even since then when we've brought it up, he can't help but say, "Kathryn, a 27.1. Think about how great that time would have been with the start." He's very positive to focus on how hard I fought for that swim and on the fact that the swim itself was amazing because what the time would have been taking out the bad start and inserting a good one is so much faster than I had ever done before. When he says what he says about what it could have been I say, "No. It wouldn't have been that fast." I know somehow that even with my great training, my great taper (that's the rest right before the big meet), and with my technique, I would not have made the time that it looks like I could have made (somewhere between a high 24 and a low 25). Because I was starting from behind and had people who were counting on me... only in that case could I have gone that fast.

This week starts my new career. I am going to be a teacher. I am 27 and I'm just starting over. I always feel behind. I need to stop thinking that way. I put a sticky note above my computer at school that just says, "50 back... dead in the water on the start... 27.1! Yep!" But behind who or what? Whether I should be comparing myself to others or to where I thought I should be is not the point here. I know what I want and I didn't know it before. I'll dolphin kick my brains out and hit my turn. I'm going to be amazing and sometimes amazing only happens after a rough start. Bring it!

Others by Charles D. Meggs

2010-05-03T13:21:00.001-07:00

A lovely poem given to me during church yesterday. Enjoy!

Lord, help me live from day to day in such a self-forgetful way
That even when I kneel to pray, my prayer shall be of others.
Help me in all the work I do to ever be sincere and true
And know that all I do for You must needs be done for others.
Let self be crucified and slain and buried deep
And all in vain my efforts be to raise again unless to live for others.
And when my work on earth is done, and my new work in heaven begun,
My I forget the crown I've won while thinking still of others.
Others Lord, yes others. Let this my motto be.
Help me to live for others that I may live for thee.

Imagine there's just sadness...

2010-04-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

This song keeps popping up on my Pandora station. Read it through because I'm about to tear it apart.

Imagine by John Lennon

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

I love the tune. I think it's a beautiful song in many ways. I understand the desire to bring people together and to allow them to recognize that maybe their differences aren't different enough to be doing the damage they are doing to one another. But something about the song, even the tune I love, is so melancholy. I'd like to go through some of the lyrics and express my thoughts on why they are so sad.

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
It is easy... way too easy. I wouldn't say I've "tried" but I have imagined that, in a doubt filled, sad moment with the question, "What if I'm wrong?" laying there on my tongue like a jalapeño pepper just waiting to burn and hurt and destroy and linger... I don't think I'm abnormal. I think many, if not all, people of faith have had to ask themselves the question from the point of view that was not their own. It's easy to doubt. Try believing... it takes more effort.

Imagine all the people
Living for today
Well this is a fine statement... that is unless today completely sucks! Life is hard. Living only for today would not be enough to produce enough smiles to fill a pickle jar.

Nothing to kill or die for
If there was nothing worth dying for, I kind of imagine there would be very little important enough to really live for.

Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
The parts of this song I agree with are the parts about no countries, no hatred for each other, etc. But even if that were the case, and there were peace among people, I would not feel peace believing that once I left that peaceful world, I was just gone. I can imagine a million Grand Canyons placed on top of each other and a thousand black holes stacked together (not sure how black holes stack, scientifically speaking) and that would be close to the chasm of empty that would need to be filled inside of me to come anywhere near peace if I did not have faith in more than what is here on earth. I like earth life. I like LIFE so much I want it to continue past my granite slab depicting mortal years between July 26, 1983 and September 4, 2067.

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us

I would not say you are a dreamer. If I did not have a degree in English I would say you are a nightmare-er, but I know that's not a word. Faith is sometimes so wonderful it feels like a dream, but the great thing is that it's not. I'm not the only one who believes that either. We hope you'll join us. Life is much more when there is faith involved.

And the world will live as one
I'm all for the world living as one. The thing about that is though, that we will also die as one. Death happens to all of us. But there was a man who came, who was able to overcome it, and because of him you will too.

That's all I wanted to say.

Sod v. Grass

2010-04-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, new sod was laid in between the education building (where I live) and the parking lot (where my car lives) last fall. There used to be fences and trees and all manner of yuckiness between said lot and said building. So, instead of getting to class 5 minutes late by walking as the crow flies (the shortest distance between two points is a straight line) I had to walk all the way around another building (the not as shortest distance between two points is detouring to four other points on the way)... grrr... So, one day I was running behind and I decided to cut through the freshly laid path for me to get there. There may have been an inconspicuous NEON sign placed off to one side (read: "smack in the middle of") the line of grass that said something like (exactly these words), "New Sod: Do not walk on until April." Well, like I says, I was in a hurry so I walked on. Close to clearing the line o' sod on the other side, a little grounds keeping man in his red golf cart thing rides by and says, in kind of a patronizing older man who is reprimanding but also being friendly to the cute little girl way, "Ya know, you're not supposed to walk on that yet?" I match his tone, and take with an equally friendly and playful one and make sheepish grin as sweet as can be, raise my eybrows all surprised like, and put my hand over my "O" shaped mouth and say, "Oh! I won't do it again... I promise!"

I promise is a funny phrase when it goes out to someone with whom it is likely you will never cross paths again. A few days pass of being on time and I go my normal way without thinking a thing of it. Then comes a day of testing. I am running behind and cutting will put me on time and not cutting will make me late. No one is in sight and no one will know and one pair of feet won't hurt the stinking sod. Had it just been a sign, and there are lots of those "Advisory" type signs that don't feel too important, it wouldn't have been a big deal... but I had said those two words, "I promise!" Even in a light and joking way, they had been said... and while little man with red cart was not there too see, I'd know. Yes I would. And, even in that split second of decision, I know that some day I'll be teaching a child or a group of young women and will want to be able to draw on a funny little honesty story so I decide right then and there to make this that story. I go around, smiling all the way. And I continue to go around all fall and all winter.
It is now April. I walk on the grass. And I smile a smirk of a smile. I smile knowing I did a funny/insignificant but completely right thing and I know that someday my great grand daughter (Claire) will love hearing that story and we will roll around in the grass and I will be bare foot, wearing a plaid gardening shirt and overalls, with a sun hat covering my long gray braids and she will wear a white summer dress with red cherries on it and her blond hair will be back in a pony-tale and her blue eyes will match the sky and we will eat cream puffs and drink ice cold raspberry lemonade and will be filled with the light and happy freshness of a clean conscience. Wow... wow... I may have run away with that for a minute... (That may also be a commercial for Tide or the ending of a future Nicholas Sparks movie but the imagery worked for me!)

Good Friday!

2010-04-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

So today is Friday. This Friday is special. Today we remember, and while we call this Friday good, it is really only good because it was followed by a Sunday that was more than good. On this weekend every year, I kind of hold my breath. I think about this window of time between when the Savior was crucified on Friday and when he rose again on Sunday and I wait... I wait with the world. I wait with all who had hoped for him to that point and with all who loved him during his earthly life and even with all of us who were not even born yet but knew that when our turns came, our lives would be changed by what was happening.

All prophets leading up to that day, and all since, prophesied of that moment in history. And yet, it's clear from scripture that even Jesus Christ's disciples did not know exactly what to expect. It had always been believed and hoped for and here it was, about to happen... it would happen wouldn't it? Even as I hold my breath in this little window of time every year, I hold it knowing what was in store. On an extremely smaller scale it's like knowing your little sister is about to get the dolly she asked for and wanted so much for her 5th birthday and standing right there about to burst as she starts to unwrap the present. I'm about to burst as I wait for Mary and his disciples to see the empty tomb and for all the world to hear the angels sing that, "He is risen!" He is. I know he is. I give you that testimony and wish you a Happy Easter. Shout it from the rooftops! The Savior came to this earth and lived and died for you and you will live and die and live again because of it. Life is wonderful and the people I love make my life good and filled with smiles. But no smile could ever be made permanent but for the Savior and his mission here on earth. These things are true.

Whatnot?

2010-01-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

I have heard the phrase, "And what not..." a couple times recently and think it is a funny one. What does it even mean? I looked it up and found out. In honor of it, I thought of other words I love that are essentially saying very little.

whatnot: any of various other things that might also be mentioned -Merriam-Webster

gobbledygook: nonsense; officialese or government gibberish -Dictionary.com

flotsam: useless or unimportant items; odds and ends -Dictionary.com

These have other definitions and context as well but it seems that these words or phrases serve to represent ideas or things even smaller than themselves (as simply a word on a page to be read). Ha!

Resolve Round 2

2010-01-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

Monday- Work out. Success.
Tuesday- Get up a little late but gonna be fine. Pack lunch. Get out to car. Neighbor parked behind car. Too early to knock. Little frustrated. "No, it'll be fine." Take time to read scriptures in the morning. Decide to walk with roommate in evening. Success.
Wednesday- No car parked behind mine! Yeah! Drive to gym. Park. Go into gym with swim gear. Read sign that says, "Pool Temporarily Closed." Shake head and laugh because really? No other gym clothes on hand. Submit. Go in and use showers and get ready for day. Feel like a vagrant for just using the gym for the showers. Get to school early and get some work done. Not as success.
Thursday- Come prepared for both swimming and dry workout. Pool still closed. But aha! I am ready! Work out. Feel good. Go on walk with roommate at night. Double success.
Friday- Work out. Sick of dry land stuff. Aching to swim. Plan for Saturday. Swim. And on a day I wouldn't normally work out. Go me.

Resolve

2010-01-04T11:38:00.001-08:00

Step 1: Make New Year's Resolution.

Step 2: Pack for the gym: remember goggles, clothes for work, deodorant, even earrings. Forget towel.

Step 3: Get to gym. Realize towel was forgotten.

Step 4: Waiver.

Step 5: Go out to car and get money. Purchase thin sheet of paper-like material the gym calls a towel for $7.

Step 6: Workout. Feel great! Shower...kind of dry off with purchased paper.

First New Year's Resolution crisis averted...Bring it!!!

Success!

2009-12-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

Today I had a funny little conversation with my supervisor after he had given me a little assignment. I was leaving work in 20 minutes but said I would do it before I left. In an attempt to make it clear to me that there was no rush and that it could wait till tomorrow he used the word "fail" in this context: "If for some reason you fail, I'm in no hurry so don't worry about it." I responded with, "I will not fail...but I may put off succeeding until tomorrow." HA! I'm so brilliant. That is exactly what life struggles are all about...trying, failing for the present just to put off succeeding for another day. I'm not saying procrastinate success but realize that, if it doesn't come right away, it will in time. It's like Christmas... The presents waiting under the tree create anticipation! Or purposely hoarding your Halloween candy just to be the only kid in the family with some still left over at Thanksgiving (I was never this child...Erin was). This sounds fun and all but typically current set backs are not seen this way (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience). I'm just saying though, things will work out. I am saving my successful career till next fall for example! (Wink, wink)

"I do not fail! But at times, I may be required to put off success until tomorrow!"

Life's a Circus

2009-09-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

The smell of funnel cakes and fried food floating through the air. Vendors haggling... "Come one, come all!"..."Everyone a winner!" Bright flashing lights on spinning rides. Peels of laughter...

The Utah State Fair boasted the Worlds Smallest Woman among it's attractions this year. I saw people paying a dollar to see her. I didn't take the "opportunity" but from my vantage point, could see those who were seeing her...they were just staring...staring in awe or disgust. No one was even saying anything...just staring. I asked a group of teenagers coming out of the booth if this was legitimate. They said she was just a really short woman...a midget. I asked why no one was saying anything to her. She's Haitian and doesn't speak English. What must this woman be thinking? Maybe she loves traveling. Maybe she gets paid really well. What is her perspective? Foreign place...different culture...different language...How much of what she's experiencing now has she experienced before but has just been turned into a way of paying the bills?

The smell of funnel cakes and fried food floating through the air. Vendors haggling... "Come one, come all!"..."Everyone a winner!" Bright flashing lights on spinning rides. Peels of laughter...

Laughter.

Plan

2009-08-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

Short blog:

Last week I thought about the difference between these two phrases.

I never planned on being _____. (fill in blank with, unhappy, fat, grumpy, mean, disorganized...whatever it is...)

and this

I planned on never being_____. (same adjective...)

One is a backward glance at what should not have been but was, accidentally, anyway. The other is the forward thinking planning for what is wanted and not wanted in life. I imagine that it is not unhappy, fat, grumpy, mean, disorganized, etc. people who say, "I planned on never being_____." If they planned against those things they didn't want and for the things they did, then they are likely happy, healthy, kind, etc. The Cheshire Cat is known for having this conversation with Alice (and for little else I imagine, including for the place Cheshire, from which the fictional character is supposed to have come and which is not addressed at all in the story):

Alice: I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.

It matters to me very much which way I go and so I plan on being happy, healthy, kind, etc. and I work toward that little by little so I never have to use the phrase, " I never planned on being_____." Because I did...I did plan on being...I planned on being quite a lot!

Love The One You're With

2009-08-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Walls walls everywhere...and they ain't padded! I had a conversation with a co-worker this week. He is older than me...single...sad. I invited him to an activity we were having and he explained that he didn't do the single thing anymore...he's just too old and he doesn't fit in anymore. I asked then if he hangs out with people his age...no, they're married. So, let me get this straight...you don't hang out with single people and you don't hang out with married people. You're alone. Basically...I've resigned myself. Wikipedia defines resignation as the following: "A resignation is the formal act of giving up or quitting one's office or position. It can also refer to the act of admitting defeat in a game like chess, indicated by the resigning player declaring 'I resign', turning his king on its side, extending his hand, or stopping the chess clock." This general vibe of giving up I find in a lot of single people. But I don't mean giving up ever finding someone to fall in love with, thought that it is included. It almost seems that if they can't have the one an only, they won't have anyone! It does seem to be a formal act of giving up and deciding not to have relationships of any kind. It's like they need to keep a comfortable distance from others...must not get too close. There seems to be the unspoken, "We're not in love so we can't offer to each other love of any kind." These people leave activities early and miss the small group that always ends up talking at the end. They never commit to too much time with you or can't decide if they'll be able to make it. They don't want to be counted on... and so success...they're not! I need people. I need to be needed by them. And there are more than enough of them around to care about. I find myself reaching out even more to love others when I think about not having ONE to love. Friends, married friends, old and young friends. The options are endless and the ability to commit to any and all of them is mine...yours! Invest!

This is, of course, a harder issue with members of the opposite gender. If you let someone into your heart who is, as far as gender goes, an "option" for you then be prepared to get straight armed eventually when one or the other decides that because happily ever after is not an option then happy as friends right now can't be either. I'm not talking the "Love The One You're With" kind fo love where you get what you can from someone who you don't plan on commiting life and eternity to. I'm talking about genuinely letting yourself become a part of each others lives. I can't count how many times I've thought to fight the urge to text or call a male friend, FRIEND, because I don't want him to think that I think that he thinks...ARGH! I made a commitment to myself once. If I see a movie, hear a funny story, see interesting people, have something fun I want to go do or whatever and am reminded of anyone I care about or I just have a thought to text someone or drop a note in the mail, I do it! If the thoughts that make me second guess what they think my thinking of them might mean come to mind, it just makes me that much more determined to follow through. You wanna know where it's gotten me? You want to know where caring and not being afriad to show it to people who can't be one thing or the other has gotten me? YOU WANNA KNOW? YOU WANNA KNOW? I'll tell you! I have loved and been loved more than I have heart enough to handle. The "one true loveless" life I lead is filled with so much love that my extra large body doesn't even seem big enough to hold it all. Some of love is seasonal, and situation or location change will make it different. And a lot of love is very long term with the children of these friends knowing your name and seeing you when thier families come through town and eventually living in your basement when they go away to college. If we were meant to only feel love for that one person in our life, then what would be the point of all of the other great people we have the blessed chance to meet existing around us even be. They are there to be loved... without dwelling on what they aren't, won't be, or what will eventually change. I have looked down the two options of life that lay ahead of me...the one with a handsome man to love and raise children with and the one on my own with the chance to love many people in my community, church, world, neighborhood. And what I see down both options is the opportunity to be a part of lives and to LOVE. I'll be happy with happily ever after... in whichever form it takes. I will be happy because loveless is not an option...for me anyway. Is it for you?

17 Again and Very Green Grass

2009-06-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Yes...I saw the Zach Efron movie. It was really good actually. And yes, there may have been a musical number involving basketball...maybe he wouldn't feel at home in a movie unless it had that element. Anyway, great flick, good message. The reason for the main character's transformation is regret. He has lived a great portion of his adult life regretting decisions he made at 17 that took him on a different road than the one he had planned. So, in a very It's a Wonderful Life, way, he travels back in time. Anyway, see it... but the point is that it got me thinking. I have regrets. In my very short 8 years since high school, I can think of things I wish had been different. Here we go:

1) In high school there was a guy on my swim team (tall with an amazing swimmer/ Greek god body) who had a heart of gold. A heart, that at one time in it's 17 year old capacity, beat for me. I should have kissed his face and kissed it good.

2) I should have gotten better grades at BYU. I could do the work...somehow it just didn't feel like I could keep on top at the time...I was young...

3) I should have gone to Disney World with the little paying internship to be a performer...I got the job of Tigger. I was too tall for a princess and was crusty about it. I didn't go...it could have been fun and could have fulfilled this little wish I still have of being on stage (it would have been in parades but hey...we'll call it stage).

4) No mission...

5) That amazing (again tall) boy who wanted to love me. Heaven bless him...and his beautiful new wife!

6) That first go at a teaching career...I sucked at it. I really did and there were so many things I could have done differently and should have figured out how to... There were a lot of turns I could have taken to get me on track earlier. I didn't take them.

These things I regret are here for you to see. I want them written down, acknowledged...and done with. I look back on all of them and realize that I always had something else I wanted to be, somewhere else I thought it more important to go...and if they had all worked out, and I was not regretting them, the list would be different but, having done one thing, would have kept me from another. Most of the things on the list are things I regret, but know were supposed to be or were guided somehow. Some I would change if I could. But last on the list is this...

7) I regret ever having spent time regretting...

The movie Mansfield Park ends with a quote from the character Fanny Price. "It could have turned out differently, I suppose. But it didn't."

On the Crayola website, there are listed 9 shades of green. The dictionary defines green as any color between yellow and blue on the color spectrum. So in reality, no green can be "greener" than another. They can be more on the blue side, or more on the yellow side, but none are greener. They're just different. Why then do we even have that saying... "The grass is always greener on the other side." I can think though of a lot of "other sides" that have coveted green grass on them. The other side of these last 8 years seems really green...back when I was in high school. I had so much potential then and no mistakes were made yet. But if I think hard enough, I remember the brown patches. Sometimes other people's lives look like they're a green I could get used to. But I don't see everything. My life hasn't been exactly what I had imagined... but when is life ever that way. What do 17 year olds know about their futures? Nada. At 17 though I did have some anchors and those things have not changed. And my life has had a lot of good in it (keep in perspective that this blog is just about the regrets...there have been successes). Wishing, comparing, regretting, crying, wishing some more...doesn't get ya far that's for sure. I'm gonna work on living in the now from now on. That way, at the end of the next 8 years, wasted time thinking about the past, won't be on my list of regrets. Likely there'll still be a list... but I won't be wasting time thinking about it.

Is the grass greener on my side?... Nope. But I like this shade.

Voice Lessons

2009-06-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

I overheard a conversation at work a couple of weeks ago. Rather, I overheard a tone...you know the one. It's the one from which you hear snatches such as these: "And can you believe...[murmur, murmur, murmur, tsk!]. Well I never! [low tones, low tones..... build....and] REALLY! And did you know she... [secret, secret, eye roll]. I know I would never... [condemn condemn condemn]." It's not the kind of conversation in which you expect to hear a person's highest points acclaimed. I thought at that moment that if I could work out a way to never again hear my voice use those tones in that order, I would somehow have broken the mold. Along with all of the beauty and grace and gentleness associated with womanhood, there is also the gossip and the nag. This frustrates me.

Last week I was in a place of worship. It was clean and beautiful and the people inside were dressed simply and beautifully. As I sat pondering, I decided to tune into tone again. I listened to these tones in comparison to the tones I'd heard before. They were different. They were subdued and gentle. Because there was very little talking at all, the talking that was done was important. Couples and families and loved ones spoke of that which was most important and uplifting. They were likely speaking of children they loved, close ones they worried for, and love they shared. They were talking with the intent to help and hope for and heal, not disgrace or put down.

In the places I feel most peace, I hear the tones described in the second paragraph of this blog. It is a goal of mine to create that same tone for my home and all places over which I have any influence. Wish me luck!

Self-Storage

2009-05-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

I can't help but laugh every time I drive by a storage unit and read a sign that says something like "Bulldog Self-Storage" or "Wilson's Self-Storage." Now what exactly is being stored? When you think about what happens by attaching "self" at the beginning of a word, as a type of prefix, it usually means about the same thing and that, I hope, is not what it means in this case. In the case of self-help Books, one reads up on a topic in order to help one's self learn something new. If one is self-righteous, then they put themselves above. If one is self-depreciating, they put themselves below. But where do they put themselves in the case of self-storage? I picture something like the case of a wholly mammoth found in some frozen part of the world but instead a human in a huge block of ice in some kind of chilled storage unit. Maybe they should rethink the name of the whole business... it is not "self" that is being stored but "junk belonging to self." Couldn't they call it instead, "Wilson's Storage of Stuff You Don't Use Now and Won't Use Later but Will keep for Ten years and Then Throw Out?" Maybe that'd be a little long... And if they are using "self" to mean stuff belonging to self, why does that qulifier need to be included... I'm not going to store someone else's stuff! If I robbed someone and had their stuff instead of mine and didn't have room for it in my house, would I still be allowed to store it at a Self-Storage unit place.
"Hey, can I store this here?"
"Is it yours?"
"Nope, I'm 'borrowing' it from the rich family up on the hill whose place got broken into last week."
"Oh yeah. Okay then. You can't store it here. You'll have to go over to 'Dan's Stuff You Snagged Storage"... next block over."
"K...thanks for the help."
Back to the idea of actually storing yourself for later, I ended up trying to think of why that would be a good idea. This is what I came up with: anybody living in the 80's may have wanted to just hold off ten years to avoid the whole mullet thing; someone socially awkward from the 1950's may have wanted to wait until our technology based time to live so they could have a virtual social life from the comfort of their own basement bedroom; a garbage man from a few years ago may have wanted to continue his career now that they have those arm things that will lift the garbage cans for him...I'm sure there are more. (Please share any you think of!)

***I could take this to a deeper level with something to the affect of, "Don't put your life on hold...LIVE NOW!"...but I'm not going to...

Beginning and End...ish

2009-05-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I went to a funeral and tomorrow I go to another one. Between the two deaths, a friend of mine gave birth to her new baby boy. Spring really is a time for new beginnings!

This was the poem on the program for Cousin Dan's funeral

By Mary Frye (1932)

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint of snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die!

To villanize or not to villanize...that is the question!

2009-05-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, this morning, on my way to school, I realized something about my driving. I have created a picture so you can follow my explanation. So I'm the blue car. I came to a turn and saw that both the red car and I had a green. So, in this case, because I'm closest to the turn and the red car has to cross traffic, I was under the impression that I had the right of way...I was to turn first. What I realized though was that, when I'm in the red car's position, I feel like because I have to cross traffic, I should be the first to go, and the car closest will have more opportunities to turn so I have the right of way. You'll note, that either way, it was me who had the right of way...hmmmm! Convenient?! I think not.

I have had "bad experiences" with a couple of groups of people. In high school I had a group of friends that I never felt really happy with. During my first two years of college, I was on a swim team where I was unhappy again. In both cases I felt on the outskirts of the groups and lonely most of the time. There were many tears and counseling sessions with family and friends (a lot with my dad) on how to react, how to feel, how to responds, what to do, etc. Recently, I happened to run into one of the girls from the swim team and guess what! She's not a bad person...not at all! And the friends from high school and I have had good relationships for a while now. How is this possible.? For a while after these experiences, I felt like a victim any time I thought about these groups of people. How could they treat sweet, wonderful me with so much rudeness... it was their fault I was not included, their fault I was not happy, fault fault, FAULT. I was robbed of all of the joy that should have accompanied my glory moments in high school and my swimming triumphs in college...robbed, robbed, ROBBED!

More recently than the stories above, I have found that, in the cases of at least two people (in separate circumstances), I have been the one who is the bad guy. In the way these two have interacted with me and in their demeanor in my presence, I am sure that I have been blamed for some portion of their unhappiness. In these cases again I have counseled with others, again loved ones, who give advice and can't think of anything I could have done to have warranted such behavior. The most recent of these interactions combined especially with the random encounter with the old teammate have got me to thinking. Those who allow others to "make" them unhappy need to realize that to be happy is a decision they can only make for themselves. And those who are given credit for another's unhappiness need to examine their own actions and see what can be done to help (while not enabling), the other person so they can proceed on their journey to happiness.

In the play Wicked, The Wizard of OZ sings the song Wonderful. Explaining how he got to his position as The Wonderful Wizard of OZ he says some things about human nature that I find shocking/interesting/true. Here are a bit of the lyrics from that song:
"A man's called a traitor - or liberator
A rich man's a thief - or philanthropist
Is one a crusader - or ruthless invader?
It's all in which label
Is able to persist
There are precious few at ease
With moral ambiguities
So we act as though they don't exist..."

The people writing history books from my point of view choose to have the front cover be a portrait of me in angelic robes rescuing some fallen soldier and administering only good and love to all I come in contact with. This version of history I like. This version is not complete (I hear the popping of multiple bubbles... especially the one belonging to sister/fan club president). It is so much more pleasant, and safe to be able to label someone as good or bad. If the other is bad, then I am good. But if the other is hurt, misunderstood, depressed, defensive, etc. then what does that make me? Likely just insensitive...or a mix of another list of similarly morally ambiguous words. If other is wrong we are right...clean cut! And right we like to be...

While I'm sure there is an answer in a driver's handbook somewhere as to who has the right of way in the driving case above, I'm fairly certain that their are no clear cut answers for the other stories. There are always two sides. The options are not they're bad, I'm good or they're good, I'm bad. The other option is that we're all human (and when you think about it, that's not really an option...it's just ture). If not "bad" then better ways to describe our betimes hurtful interactions with others could include but are not limited to: careless or oblivious, insecure so needy, ego-centric so unable to focus on another's needs, tired or distracted, etc. Both sides I think also include a degree of lack of responsiblity. On the one hand, we are in charge of our own happiness and cannot rely on another to make us happy. On the other hand, once happy, we are in charge of taking care of those around us. And at any given moment, we will likely be struggling on one side or the other. So it goes. But in the end it is or responsibility to love ourselves and others, weather we feel loveable or like those around us are or not. From evidence just given, it would appear that I am not wonderful at this so instead of ending with an admonition to all, I end with a commitment to self. I will neither blame others for my unhappiness nor accept full, but be aware of some, responsibilty for another's happiness. Thank you for reading my own processing. (And feel free to make a commitment too)!

***Harry Potter fan side note: It's easy to hate Snape (it's Proffesor Snape!) throughout the series but, you know there is hurt there...he has a whole load of baggage and should definitely have sought professional help. But truth be told, James Potter was kind of a jerk when they were kids and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was a powerful figure poor little Severus could hide behind...sad and true. A strong popular kid and a sad insecure kid both had imperfections and made poor choices. Things should have been different...or should they have??

Memorial Day Flowers...no thank you!

2009-05-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

So right now I'm a temp at a local wholesale florist's. I worked there during Valentine's Day and have been back for the month of May for Mother's Day and Memorial Day. I was just thinking, florists have a monopoly on the Memorial Day celebration. Think about it...for most other flower heavy holidays there are other industries over which the sales are dispersed. On Mother's Day and Valentine's Day, the flower industry shares it's wealth with the chocolate, card, and trinket industries. I've decided that when I am memorialized, at some point in the future, I would appreciate chocolate. Really, it's likely that I'm not hanging out around my tombstone and even if I am and the taste is not an option, the sleek, clean look of a well wrapped box of See's chocolate would do me just as much good or more as seeing some flowers sitting there. Besides, there will be lots of other flowers around to look at. Also, having chocolate instead of flowers would make me unique and not comparable to other tombstones with flowers, which brings me to my next point.

Today I worked on the mini arrangements at the shop, and I've worked on small, medium, and large. If there is ever a time when uniform is a good idea, I would say it's in memorial flowers. Shouldn't death be the great equalizer? I mean, not of course in who the person was in life or their accomplishments and unique attributes but in the fluffy stuff. Like my junior high school uniforms became blue, khaki, and white (the year after I left, thank heaven...pun intended)... aren't we all going to a pretty basic white uniform? So why can't their be just one size memorial arrangement. I can picture us all hanging out "up there", minding our own paradisaical business, when someone gets the bright idea to take a peek down on Earth to, I don't know... check out the new technological advances and keep an eye on a wild grandchild. We wander around (haunting some of our old haunts...hardy har har) and decide to meet back up at the cemetery. "Oh hey, look over in that corner of the cemetery...right by the mausoleum. Yeah, right there...that new fountain's a nice touch in that corner." And, "Oh how nice, the trees in our generation of the grounds are finally getting big enough to provide some shade for our...what the!!! A MEDIUM?" What is the floral arrangement size difference thing all about anyway? Some kind of final popularity contest. "Wow! Look over there and that super sized arrangement! That *Megan Bell was cool in life but man...this seals the deal." I'm just saying...we may need to rethink things. This is why the chocolates are a good idea...no one does it and besides, I think I'll want to know that the chocolate business is still thriving (even with me, a devoted customer, no longer supporting them). Also, if I'm the only one with chocolates mine will be special. (But if this thing catches on, don't give me no puny Hershey's bar...I want a two pound box of See's buttercream...wrapped perfectly in their black and white traditional wrap.) It is not unlikely though that I will come up with some great excuse to tell my buddies... "Yeah well, I taught my posterity to be frugal with their money and that arrangement is just a waste... it is not an example of provident living! I'm fine...it's good this way...it's good...it's good (cue tear-ductless sobbing... "Immm nooooot coo-hiccup-ooooooool......deep breath.......hiccup!)

*Megan Bell was one of the coolest 8th graders when I was just a lowly 7th grader. She was lovely and smart and managed to be nice too (from what I remember), which isn't something you can say about every popular girl. I remember it was rumored that she never wore the same outfit twice! Oooooooo! Ahhhhhh! It's amazing what kids can come up with when they decide to worship one of their peers. She was in Barbie commercials and had long blond hair. She was the "it" girl in our school.

Life Happens: Redefined

2009-04-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

On the way to school this morning I saw a billboard advertising some kind of financial service and it read something like, "Foreclosure? Life Happens. We can help." I thought about what that was implying. In this case, "life" is being associated with something negative. There is another phrase used like this in which case life is replaced by an expletive... "@#*% Happens". Do you see how that's kind of odd that we're using the two synonymously? We only ever hear this expression in the case of negative things. I was thinking about other times I hear this kind of phrase. The French phrase, "C'est la vie," is an equivalent with translating to something like, "That's life." When do you ever hear that phrase? I think you only hear it in the context of submitting one's will to God or the universe and in sad acceptance. I think that knowing that life is not defined only by the negative, we should start using it in both good and bad cases...it should be a kind of neutral. I'm reading Slaughter House Five and in it, somewhere on practically every other page, there appears the phrase, "So it goes." So it goes is neutral. The author, Kurt Vonnegut, uses this phrase after telling all kinds of stories...war, post-war, growth, death, all... That phrase doesn't make a judegment call, good or bad or right or wrong...just is.

I submit that we create a change in the phrase, "Life Happens". Why don't we respond with "life happens" when something positive happens. So, "Hey, I got a raise at my job!" Or "Female friend fell in love with male friend and now they are getting married!" Or "Healthy baby boy was born to couple such and such!" Yeah well...life happens!

St. George

2009-03-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

Had a great time in St. George with my girls! Happiness, sunshine, and cute pictures. Click picture for more!

Gently!

2009-03-21T16:47:00.001-07:00

HRH and I were on a walk this morning and we come upon some grass with this sign on it:

"I'm trying to grow,

please don't walk on me."

-BYU Grounds

Good call...

The 4 Minutes Rule

2009-03-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

So, I went to a presentation this morning by a Judy Johns...a professor at BYU who has also had a book of poetry published. She was hilarious and spoke to us about LIGHTENING UP! She gave a lot of great advice, made us laugh till our sides hurt, and shared some stats! One of the things she talked about was The 4 Minutes Rule which is simply that for your first four minutes of interaction with someone (significant other, parent, child, roommate, etc.) you should be positive. After that window of time is over then you may nag, whine, and complain at will! Haha...not exactly but she gave examples of experiences with her husband where their first interaction in the morning or when he came home from a long day at work to her at home with 6 kids would go right into a conversation about the struggles of the day...it was draining! But when they followed The 4 Minute Rule they found it easier to talk about their struggles or disagreements and bear them nicely because they had had that time at the beginning.

So..she threw out a statistic (and I'm a statistic skeptic) that 75% of conversation in the work place is negative. Wow! I believe it though. And I think a lot of our conversation with the people close to us can end up being negative too. I spent time with some friends last night and one of them said that she had heard, at another meeting of this kind, about some repeated council given to women in the early days of the LDS church by Joseph Smith, the leader of the church at the time (information provided by a church historian by the name of Susan Easton Black who found the council recorded in minutes taken by the secretary of the women's organization, Eliza R. Snow). Two common treads were found in the advice...the one applying here being to, "Bridle your tongues." Negativity, backbiting, gossiping, comiserating run rampant in our conversations...how are we suppossed to break into being happy when we indulge in these things.

One more thought on the matter of being positive. I am reading the book Blink by Malcolm Caldwell. Great book but cut to the chase of the chapter I just finished. A group of phsychologists did an extensive study in which they took apart every muscle in the face (not literally) and documented the movements it could make. They then combined the different types of movements into categories to determine what all went into what emotions. So their would be an emotion like suprised with a list of the facial muscles and what they each did. Well they found that when they were studying some of the more negative emotions and recreating those emotions on their faces, that their mood actually changed. They did further study in which they studied the physical chages in the body (temperature, and heart rate) of two groups of people. One group of people was asked to relive in their minds a time when they were most troubled and the second group was simply asked to change their facial expressions to look unhappy. In BOTH groups, temperature and heart rates increased. Just making the facial expression had a physical change on people. Wow!

I recently said, "Good morning," to a particularly Eeyore like friend (see donkey in Winnie the Pooh). He responded with, "What's so good about." Lighten up!

Two Random Thoughts

2009-03-09T17:04:00.000-07:00

Ode to people with great ideas and the ability to do something about them (engineers in this case:
I was just driving home from the library and in front of me was a big manly truck (the make and model I don't know) with an interesting device in the back. It was a wheelchair on some sort of lever raising and lowering device. I wondered if it was being transported somewhere...it kind of resembled the raising and lowering things there are at public pools. I glanced down at the licence plate and saw that it had the little wheelchair sign to indicate a driver with a disability. (P.S. All of this happened with a minute window of time.) It appeared to be then that this device raised the wheelchair out of the truck and lowered it at the driver's door. Wow! Maybe I'm the last one to see a device like this but wow! How amazing. The man driving that truck can be completely self-sufficient...what a great invention!

If reports in school had always been this interesting:
Same drive home, I'm listening to the sound track to Aida (if you don't know the play I recommend viewing it next time you get a chance...I saw it at one of the amazing high school performances here in Utah...talented kids wow!). Low and behold I make a text to text connection. Amneris, a character from the play, reminds me a lot of the character Glinda from Wicked. Can I just say, the thoughts that just ran through my head during the last 5 minutes of my travel would be easy material for any one of the many compare and contrast papers that were done during my high school and college years and it wasn't even an effort...it was fun because the material "studied" is stuff I enjoy!!! I will now point out the similarities I found and in both plays and if you have not seen one or either of them, go see them and then get back to me. This is mostly for my enjoyment...a quick write that I'm not assigned to do! Woot woot!!!
Compared information will be given in the order of that which comes from Aida and then Wicked

Both women sing pretty ridiculous songs depicting how superficial they are!
My Strongest Suit and Popular

Both women are jilted by the man "engaged" to them who then falls in love with the main female character, who happens to be a close friend or confidant and who is considered the inferior of the two women in the rankings or social classes established in the play.
Radames off with Aida, Fiyero off with Elfaba

Both women end in a powerful situation after the lovers have left the scene (in various ways), and become strong women of power who change their communities for good.

Both groups of women sing or have part in a song with a, "He loves me...no wait he loves you!" song.
Not Me and I'm Not That Girl

Both stories have an idealized place where people have come from or hope to go in which their problems would be erased.
Nubia and The Emerald City

The pointed differences between the vying cultures are marked by color.
White Egyptians vs. black Nubians, and blond Glinda vs. green Elphaba.

Even their covers have similarities...two contrasting and somewhat overlapping faces (again emphasizing the color difference).

Anyway, random thoughts by me! Don't give me a grade...it was a quick but fun thing!

Comfort

2009-02-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

I read the words recently, "comfort those that stand in need of comfort"...which may or may not be familiar to you. Anyway, they struck me differently this read. They do not say to comfort those who deserve comfort, comfort those who did not inflict their discomfort on themselves, comfort those who it's easy to comfort, or comfort those with a pretty face! My job is to comfort those with a need. Sometimes I don't understand the need, or I think the person is a big wallower and they just need to snap out of it, or I think they are making a bigger deal of something... not my place to decide. They need it, they get it.

Side: A psychology thing is that whatever the person believes their reality to be, so it is. I worked with a church leader and a young woman with major trials, some of which seemed to be in her head. He also happened to be a doctor and he just explained, that reality or not, what she was suffering from was her reality. Watched a movie called Lars and the Real Girl. A whole community supports a young man who is in love... with an imaginary woman. Their support helps him work through some emotional and mental scars he had from childhood. They validated his need and the need was filled. Anyway, random and wonderful.

Valentine, You Rock My World!

2009-02-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

Um so, Valentines weekend rocked! It really did! Friday I went to a couple socials and yes, there was flirting (so not at the Relief Society one, but at the other one). Then Saturday, Valentines itself, myself and HRH, Rhiannon, and Julia went to Salt Lake for some crazy amounts of fun. Their was eating at the DODO which, much to your surprise, is a cute little cafe type restaurant, not only an extinct bird. My stomach left (with me attached) holding amazing amounts of my pulled pork quesedilla, hummus, and moose pie. Hmmmmm! We then checked into a hotel (so fun! just to be away from normal routine) and did hot tubing and sauna (HRH reminisced about her trip to Finland). We ended the night with 3/4 making it through a cool movie. Next day was Sunday and before heading back to our church at noon, we went to Music and the Spoken Word at the Tabernacle. It was beautiful. Did you know the Mormon Tabernacle Choir won a Grammy for The Battle Hymn of the Republic (who knew a church choir even could...not me!). Well they did and in honor of the patriotic weekend the sang it. Wow! Wow! Life is good...

(Sides: yes, one of these pictures is of us admiring the flowery thing they did with the tissue dispenser and also, that very same picture is of me in a white shade shirt, not an undershirt of any kind...just wanted to make sure you knew.)

Domesticated

2009-02-21T15:18:00.000-08:00

Yeah! I know what that word means and I am both domestic and domesticated! Recently I have tried new recipes (one kind of exotic one a month...for the new year...which brings me to two...but still cool) and went to a craft night at the house of one of the girls in my program. The space above my cupboards and before my ceiling is now sporting this lovely Spring block thing! Yes I am that good and yes, applications are being accepted for anyone who wants this homemaking hottie as a permanent in his life!
I'm just sayin' is all...what's not to love!!!

Count down to...?

2009-02-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

I just heard a story about a little boy who had the flu who said, "I wish I could fast forward this part of my life." Cute huh? It reminded me however of a thing I heard on the radio yesterday, which was the opposite of cute. The DJ made reference to it being Friday and said, "Another week down." What is that supposed to mean? Another week closer to what? I've heard this ridiculous attitude before on the radio with things like, "Wednesday, we're half way there!" or, "It's almost the weekend...the only days worth living for!" Really? If you have to live for Friday, then you should probably make a change in your life. There is of course the quote from one of the musicals that President Monson quotes about how, if you live for tomorrow, you'll end up with a lot of empty yesterdays. Life is hard and there are days that it would be nice to have behind you instead of ahead of you and yes, the little boy was right, it would be wonderful to fast forward some of that time. But "another week down" is just another week closer to death if its seen as something to get through. A race in a pool, on a track, up a corporate ladder or whatever is fun and has the reward of a trophy or a participation ribbon (hated those) or success and accomplishment of some kind. But a race through life just makes you dead. Dead, I can see, will have its perks, but I'm in no hurry. Just a thought.

Stuff White People Like

2009-01-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

Saw this guy on CNN. It is pretty funny...and I relate to some...dang! It started with a blog and is now a book... check out the website on my blog list or click on picture of book cover!

Government for Dummies

2009-01-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

Today in elementary education we were learning how to teach with analogies. We talked about fables, which are a type of analogies. Also, there was a paper with the following on it...it may be from Jordan School District or Dr. Ramirez but it's not from just me so there is my attempt at non-copywrite badness and giving credit where due. This sure breaks it down for me and it's stinkin' hilarious!

Anarchy- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your eighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Communism- You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you share the milk.

Socialism- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cowss. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Democracy- You have two cows, your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Republic- You have two cows your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Monarchy- You have two cows. You have to give one of them to the King and pay him lots of money to eat it.

Dictatorship/Facism- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Theocracy- You have two cows. God tells you what you can do with them.

Mascot Change

2009-01-26T20:23:00.001-08:00

So, I'm going to a new school. I've been a BYU Cougar for a long time and I am now a UVU Wolverine. I was looking at the statue in front of UVU and thought, ya know that's not an attractive animal. The wolverine is all slouchy compared to the cougar. Cougars are regal and elegant and beautiful. I expressed this concern to HRH. She pointed out that I like X Men. Now there's a mascot I can support! Go team go!

The Black Apple: A Tribute

2009-01-26T12:44:00.000-08:00

Smiths Girl Print from the The Black Apple (Etsy)... Just looking at my favorite Etsy shops and found this cool print. Love the phrase on the T-shirt...looked up the song that inspired it and...not so much. In honor of my half birthday, I'd just like to point out that, when my birthday does come, I would not mind any of these beautiful prints just showing up in my mail box or at my party with a pretty bow on it. Some I like better than others and I've included them here (Smiths Girl Print is not my favorite, I just like the message). This artist is like vintage meets emo and I love it... some go with my oldies theme in my kitchen and with some of my holiday decorations...I'm just sayin' is all...

Okay so actually really any of them on her store...amazig...I was trying to copy my favorites and it was getting ridiculous...check it out...you'll love it too!

Masquerade

2009-01-25T20:33:00.001-08:00

"Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers." ~From Shrek. Layers huh...humans have them too...but I'm mixing metaphors...I got on to write a blog about masks. Forget the first line. So I recognize that sometimes I hide behind a mask. I'm what they call a very "open" person. But am I? I'm not sure...perhaps I show what I want to show. I was just thinking as I left a social situation tonight that I play light and fluffy. I'm not sure what subconscious mumbo jumbo goes on there (guarding or not wanting to get hurt I don't think apply here) but I wonder if no one really gets a good glimpse of me. I mean that is a part of who I am; out going and fun and light. But there is more for sure...but how much of that do you show? But you've gotta show some so that people can get beyond the show. But what of the "real" do you show...I can't do broody, which I think is more intriguing...hmmm. I know I've played the silly card to keep a distance between me and people I felt were getting closer than I wanted them, not in a "I need to keep myself safe, keep your distance way" but in a "No, we're not going down that road because I'm not interested way." I just wonder if I inadvertantly do the same thing to people I actually do want to get close to. Hmm...a vibe is such a delicate thing. I have no solution and I'm not really thinking to hard about this...it was just a random thought. I'm just sayin' is all.....

What I've Learned Since High School

2009-01-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about my life and, in keeping with my deal with myself not to focus on what I'm not or haven't, I thought about how much I've changed since high school...it's a lot. Here are some things that have changed about me and some things I've learned. I have been away from home for 8 years so I'll give eight non-inclusive or importance ordered things.

1. The top sides of my arms are the same color as the bottoms of them and I am not naturally white only within my swimsuit line. Turns out that blinding color I only saw on my forearm is my true coloring...curse indoor pools and real winters.

2. I'm pretty awesome. For some reason I didn't know that in high school and some of my peers didn't either and that mattered. Now I know it, most of my peers do to and that doesn't matter.

3. Age is kind of relative. People graduating from high school when I was starting junior high are now my peers. Some of us are mature and some are not. Some of the younger ones are already old in the way they're deciding to let life effect them and some of the older ones get better every year.

4. . If text books, computers, cell phones, and calculators are the only things you stare long and hard at, you'll miss everything that was really important. Human eyes and cloudy skies are really worth staring into. I regret some of my grades, but never as much as an opportunity to get to know and love someone that has passed.

5. Some risks are worth taking, some are not. Sky dive, learn something new, and give your heart to someone who may give it back. But in other areas, there is a fine line between courageous and stupid, and between enlightened and overexposed. Some things are dangerous and not worth trying. Good people deal with their consequences for many years more than they were worth.

6. Both ameliorative and pejorative change is possible...change for the better only takes longer. A lot of people give up on themselves way too soon (because ever is too soon, not to mention 25).

7. Parents are important people. Some send their children out into the world with baggage, some send theirs out armed with what they'll need to conquer it. And after all, even if we don't know what the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow is, we can assume it is faster than that of a laden swallow (see Monty Python and The Holy Grail). But often, the added baggage has only made that child stronger in which case, go little swallow!

8. Grown ups and children need love so badly it hurts and because it hurts, and because of defense mechanisms we're all annoying or mean or quirky if we're afraid we aren't or can't be loved.

And one more: My faith is different today than it was in a cozy, secure home with few disturbances. Tried and tested it comes out stronger than ever.

God Bless America vs. God helps those who help themselves

2009-01-06T16:09:00.000-08:00

We live in a pretty great country. The first amendment alone is something worth getting behind. But speaking of "behind"... we've got big ones. Behinds, rumps, butts...they're big. I'll admit to never having been out of country except for Canada, but I look around and I see the statistics walking around the malls and getting the LoveIt at Cold Stone (hey, I get it too). I have also asked friends who have been to European countries and they say they didn't see as many over weight people during they're trips and I'm sure it's not just Europe. Maybe everywhere is doing better in the petite department than we are. I have purchased a book (see picture to right) and found it hilarious and more true than I would like. The author's first experience in America was during a summer study abroad (she's from France) from which she returned 20 pounds heavier. The perspective she gives on our life styles is just hilarious (you should really check it out). One of the things she points out is that Americans eat like they still work in the fields 8 hours a day but instead sit in office jobs all day. She also talks about our exercise craze. She still lives in France and sometimes on our East Coast which gives her the benefits of a more easily walkable community than the wide open spaces of the West, but she pointed out random things like how she's seen Americans in France take the elevator to the gym on the top floor of a hotel. Why not take the steps instead of doing the StairMaster? Her whole philosophy is wonderful and for me, one who had done enough gym time by age 20 to last her a lifetime, I love the idea of using the natural ways of working out that come in an everyday life. She includes simple things like doing one's own laundry and ironing instead of sending it out as a way of keeping in shape. I was at Barnes and Noble today, applying for a job (yeah being a student again) and picked up a book (to the left) and found it highly entertaining and again, too true. I can't give all of the stats in it from memory but it's whole point is that the way food is offered to us has changed. There was a series of pages that showed the plate size at a restaurant increasing with a 9 inch plate being placed before Americans in the 1950's to the now 12 inch plate piled high. This book had horrible/hilarious statistics having to do with the number of Americans who can fit comfortably in an airplane seat to the average coffin size and it's dramatic change. Apparently the average female dress size has changed from an 8 to a 12 in the past 50 years as well. I'll admit to being somewhere between those two sizes myself. It also made a good point about medium not actually being a stable thing because what was medium then is now large and what is small was medium and small then is now child size (something like that)...haha! Another good plug for not comparing yourself to others because I'm tiny compared to the fattest man on earth (who is actually surprisingly from Mexico) but for me and my body, I could be a bit healthier. Both books were very uplifting and made it seem easy to be healthy. It's not about starving or crazy workout trends but about unlearning bad habits that have been adapted as the norm in our culture. No big deal right? Ha! It just takes some thinking to not take every sample offered at Costco or every free doughnut that comes with your dozen at Krispy Kreme or go to ice cream or some variation for every night out with the girls. When your body is full let it be full and when a couple extra steps are possible instead of taking the elevator or the first parking spot, take them! A great thing to think about in the new year! Change is possible...one fatty American at a time! Move over Europe, we're wearing man bags and man-pris and taking your great actors and getting fit! Whoot whoot! You got nothing (except great art, great architecture, and "new" things as old as our entire country...ah well!).

Career Augmentation

2008-12-30T23:57:00.000-08:00

So I've heard a radio commercial the past couple weeks and just think it is hilarious. It starts out with statistics about how a lot about a person is judged by their appearance in a job interview and that employer decisions can be made in the first few minutes. I'm with you there. I'm thinking this is an add for a women's business apparel line or an acne treatment...maybe even teeth whitening. It proceeds with a question along the lines of, "Have you ever thought of the change in your life that could occur with breast augmentation?" And you lost me...What in the world? It's not that it's being advertised that shocks me, but that it's being advertised as a good career move...really? Now unless you're applying for a waitress job at Hooters or are looking to have to file a sexual harassment complaint in your first few months of work, I'm not sure if the the two topics belong in the same commercial. Let's call it like it is! If a breast augmentation is your thing, I doubt it has anything to do with your career. Your new bikini, your loss of altitude due to age or babies, sure...but the office? Hmmm... I'm thinking, spend the thousands it would take to have a surgery like that and take some more classes in your field of work...wouldn't that be a better direct correlation? I don't know, I may be ignorant but it feels very "sleep your way to the top" in the kind of way that seems only to be in sitcoms or movies. I could be wrong. I'm not so sure I'm completely against plastic surgery but I don't know that I would say I had work done for any practical reason...that would be a lie. It'd be completely for the looks and I'd come to grips with that without feeling the need to pretend it was something else. I see the day when I'll want my well defined chin and jaw line to stick around even when jowels are forming and I'm not above doing what it takes. But it's late...I've applied my anti-wrinkle cream to my eyes and smile lines and I'm off to bed!

Self-Esteem Wars: The Parable of the Prom Queen

2008-12-16T10:47:00.001-08:00

No one can make you feel about yourself something that you do no already feel. That being said, there is this kid I know that "makes" me feel small. It is obviously a tendency I have anyway but for some reason, every time I come away from interaction with him, I feel stupid. I am not stupid...but I do not know everything. There are some things I am interested in...and there are some I am not that perhaps, I should become interested in (to expand my mind and all such nonsense). But the point is that I feel like an insecure high schooler again. Insecurity is no longer a great part of my identity, but it lingers in the shadows and claims hold on me when failures occur (as they do to everyone), or when wonderfully handsome young men don't express their undying love on first sight of me. Speaking of high school, I now present...
The Parable of the Prom Queen
There once was a wonderful young girl who didn't know it. She was actively engaged in music and sports in her high school and so became acquaintances, if not friends, with many people she came in contact with. She was fairly insecure so fairly unpretentious and thus open to conversation and interaction with most people in the varying casts of the social hierarchy known as high school. She enjoyed her pursuits and succeeded to an acceptable or more degree in a lot of them. Due to her varying activities she had different circles, enjoying and feeling cared about in some of the more remote as opposed to some of the more near. She was not extraordinary but hardly inconsequential. And yet, due in part to her gender (known for insecurity) and her age (infamous for insecurity) and to some degree, her peers, she at times thought very little of herself. Some things, which looking on with hindsight are only funny and great stories to for future generations, furthered her doubt in herself and they included among other things, the necessity for finding her own prom date. Silly as that event is to many at a more advanced age, to a teenager, the prom held too much weight. As a senior, the circumstances requiring finding a date were these: no other "appropriate" date had presented himself, and her name had appeared on the royalty ballot, requiring her attendance. So she found her own date and went to her prom. And what to her surprise, when she left with a crown on her head. Oh the irony of finding her own date and at times feeling friendless and small and then having the school crown her prom queen. Where did they get off? It meant very little to her because she was not convinced and thus forms the basis of our parable. The opinions of others matter very little when ones opinion of self is also very little. Others may think high or they may think low but think themselves blue, it avails nothing when the only opinion that matters is that of number one.
Back to the one who makes me feel small at present. I think through scenarios sometimes of how, when confronted with just the right situation, just the right words will come out of my mouth with just the right musical score playing in the background and I thought of these words; "I am a lot of things. But when I am with you, I become only those things that I am not. So I am done trying to prove myself to you. I am to busy proving myself to me." I thought of another someone who would have me focus on my lack and his name is Satan. I continued in the thought and realized that rounding out the trio of those who see only negative in who I am, was me.
Continuing, I think of this high schooler lying 7 years below the surface and realize that I am still the one who's opinion of me matters. The truth of the matter is that debate club captain, athletic star, or band geek, the spectrum of high schoolers likely all missed an opportunity that year to decide that, though their peers placed a crown on the head of another, the most important crown to place would be that of self confidence and the only hands to do the job would be their own. Hopefully, they have all taken the opportunity to do so for themselves since. And so I now "publicly" do the same. From this point forward, I denounce the identity of the awkwardly tall, insecure teenager, who felt stupid for finding her own date, and embrace the prom queen.

2008-12-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas! The Grinch is so deep. I was talking to HRH this morning about my frustration with personalities I don't understand. There was a lot of therapist mumbo-jumbo (she's pretty cool but don't let her into your head!) and turns out I need to change some of my thinking. Take the movie for instance. Sure he's green but you Whos have antenna on your head! Talk about weird! Sometimes love is about learning to accept a different brand of ugly! Random thoughts...courtesy my brain and the ruffling of my roommate/therapist! (I also need to learn to be okay with my own brand of ugly...but that was completetly different therapy session!)

Beaten, battered...Hope!

2008-12-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

I was looking at this little figurine I have...she looks a lot like the one to your right. Only mine looks a little different! This is a Willow Tree product and her name is "Hope" (notice the lantern). I was sitting last night on my bed looking at her standing on my desk and I thought, "I should probably replace her." The reasons for these thoughts were as follows: her wings are crooked, her hand (the one that's down to her side) is...missing, and there is a crack in her neck where I SUPERGLUED HER HEAD BACK ON. No, I'm not getting any anger out on this small, helpless thing. I've moved a couple times recently (college housing) and she's been on tall dressers with books and junk shoved on them so she's had her fair share of falls. Anyway, after the thoughts of replacing her came I kept thinking about it. She is more "Hope" now than she was when I removed her from her bubble wrapped, styrophomed, sheltered beginning. Her hope has been tried and she's still there, lantern and all. Cheesy metaphor, but it's what I can do for now. This year has turned me into her. It's been a ride and it's not over yet. But here I stand, full of hope and understanding more about it now than I did before. (Note to friends who may not have seen me recently: my left hand is still in tact.)

BS: The Science of Bachelor(ette)hood

2008-11-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

So statistically speaking, I believe that 80% of people who throw out statistical reports are completely full of it. Unless you have a PowerPoint in front of you or you are running for something, I just don't think it's natural to carry around many statistics in your head and so I think that when someone pulls out a, "If there are 30 of you in this room, 3 of you here will not marry in this lifetime," I think they might just be making it up. However, I was having a conversation with a friend recently, during which she expressed the budding thought that it may be a possibility that she never marries. This of course led to some pondering on my own part and I remembered that on a number of occasions, I have been in a room when such a marriage statistic was given. As I look around the room in my minds eye, I find that I am one of the few reaming who have not yet married and/or begun repopulating the earth. If you are one of those others in the room and I am doomed to spinsterhood so that the rest of you twenty seven could live in wedded bliss, know this: that the sacrifice was unwillingly given. I do however find comfort in the fact that I do not live in the days of which Jane Austen wrote her wit covered, bitterness laden books. Whereas Anne in Persuasion had a fate sealed in solitude at age 28, I at a mere 25, though in a culture almost as ridiculous about the age of marriage, have found only a few wrinkles and one gray hair and still feel very much in my prime. To friends out there who share my state of things, and those who don't, I want you to know that science isn't everything. My dad is a science teacher and he used to say physics is everywhere, and he is right. I am talking about the scientific method...I found this online as a good way of explaining the scientific method. Swans...

Observation: Every swan I've ever seen is white.
Hypothesis: All swans must be white.
Test: A random sampling of swans from each continent where swans are indigenous produces only white swans.
Publication: "My global research has indicated that swans are always white, wherever they are observed."
Verification: Every swan any other scientist has ever observed in any country has always been white.
Theory: All swans are white.
http://www.wilstar.com/theories.htmu

This article goes on to say that in fact there are black swans. So...point is, though the data collected throughout a life may seem like something won't happen, it can. The Wright brothers never flew...until they did. Abe Lincoln never got elected for a single election...and then there was that one for...oh PRESIDENT. And so you haven't dated much or successfully...and someday you do! Things change! So all the theories and statistics might just be a whole lot of BS!

Fall Photo Shoot

2008-11-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

As roommates we took a really long walk on a Saturday in the middle of October. We had fun and yes we're silly girls! I believe in the fall and dark chocolate hair against oranges and reds! I'm definitely made for fall!

And here's one of Megan at the gelato place (Maestro's on Center...check it out|). It's a pretty artsy one...I think I did a good job.
And here's one of Jenny looking mysterious and sultry...

Halloween Haunted Gingerbread Houses

2008-11-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

Before Halloween, I had a group of friends over to make Haunted Gingerbread Houses. We had black graham crackers and orange frosting (the kind made from egg whites, powdered sugar, and cream of tartar...it was like cement). I have some creative friends. My group did a Gothic cathedral. Another group did a grave yard (complete with fondant grave occupants and bones) and another did a toilet. A toilet complete with very real looking contents which caused a gag reflex the next morning cleaning it out (the put a plastic bowl in the middle and stuff in it).

Picture to left is of Rob and Megan being sneaky about their creation...they thought everyone was out to get them and steal their ideas. There would have been no way because it was pretty awesome.

Yes, this picture is of my friends eating the pumpkin bread. They're pretty cute, the creations were pretty cute...I'm pretty cute...all cute! And I realize I didn't get a picture of myself that night...so here's me at Halloween! I was a flapper girl. This is me with a couple other flappers I met that night. I'll be honest, the way I figure out what I want to be is to find something that I can wear eyelashes or glitter or whatever...just something pretty! I was the princess kind, not the gory kind growing up. (Note: I looked up what a flapper girl actually entailed to be sure that I wasn't portraying anything risque. The roaring 20's was a time of change for girls...they kind of had a little big of an edge to them. They smoked and shortened their hair and wore shorter skirts. It was kind of an eat, drink, and be merry time...guys were just getting back from the first WW and everyone was just glad to still be alive. The term, "flapper" is attributed to the young, immature (doesn't apply to me ;)
) girl and came from the way young birds flap as they start/attempt to grow up and assert themselves...I admit that part does apply to me.)

Addition to Technology Post

2008-11-18T08:50:00.001-08:00

I had something else to say about technology's quirks. It is this. My office is very small. There are maybe 8 of us at a time within 25 feet of each other in any direction. We use IM to communicate a ton. When I can hear the typing of someone IMing me and yet my coworkers don't even poke there heads in when they get to work to say, "hi," something might be wrong. I said this to one of my friends and she tried typing softly so I couldn't hear her. It was funny...funny, but sad...very sad!

Technology: The Connection Disconnect

2008-11-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

So I just got home from my job. My job requires me to spend 7 hours in front of a computer. Technology keeps a roof over my head and food in my tummy until I get the job I really want...teaching...which will also use technology. I blog now using my pretty outdated but amazing machine. Disclaimer finished and moving on... I was having a conversation with a group of friends last night about talking on the phone in company (especially date company). We decided we're all addicted to our phones (and one to his blue-tooth ;) ). On Saturday I left my phone at home when I went to the gym and then to run some errands and yes, I kept going to make a text message and then remembered I didn't have it. But you know what...I totally survived! I was on BYU's campus a month or so ago and was just laying on the grass between some meetings I had and looked up and took notice of the passersby. People watching used to be interesting but I saw too much of the same thing...wired people. I took a count of 10 random people who walked by and 9 of them were hooked up to something (i.e. iPod, cell phone). 9!!! And another thing I noticed was this...they weren't looking at each other at all. They were completely missing the interesting (attractive) people walking by because the were tuned in and tuned out. How sad! I made it a goal last year sometime to not talk on the phone while at the groccery store. I realized I needed down time and if I needed to make phone calls while strolling through the aisles of Smith's then I was scheduling myself too tightly. Groccery stores are such fun places. I love striking up random conversations, making a little comment about something like a cute baby, the lack of high quality produce in November, the prices of tomatotos anything to connect to the people around me. We're a community for crying out loud! I should have lived in the day when the butchers knew your name and what your family had for Sunday night dinner. "Ah, Miss Rappleye...your night to cook for dinner group again huh? How did last week go? Was I right about your cut of roast beef? Wonderful!" We're all just a bunch of lonely people these days wandering around disconnected from those around us and connected to people far away. Facebook...what a strange thing. There are people I'm friends with on there that I don't even know that well and won't see as soon as I would my own neighbor but do I make as much contact with my neighbor? No! And texting. I texted a friend last Sunday who I hadn't talked to that day. We passed each other at church but did we say hi? No! No effort put forth there...but Facebook says we're friends too!!!?!!! Now I must wrap up...you see, I've got math homework. Guess what! It's an online class. Yea, it's pretty convenient but I don't get to ask a professor any questions or flirt with the math nerd in class. I get to spend more time alone, away from other people. Maybe after I do my homework I'll go do something fun! Hey, I could go bowling! Or play the guitar! Or go to a Yoga class! But why go out...anyone have a Wii I could come use! (Cue hysterical laughing...the kind that is just laughing at first and then moves into crazy people laughing). Hahahahahahahahah! Hehehehehehehe! Haha! Ha!

"The greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return..."

2008-11-02T13:39:00.003-08:00

My niece turned one! She turned one and in the past year I have learned to love in a different way than I ever have before. She is amazing. She is amazing and she can't string two words together. She is amazing and she can't get her own food yet. She is amazing, but by all of the world's standards, as of yet, has very little to offer. She has not earned it by wealth, intelligence, service, or degrees, but our hearts are hers with no chance of ever being returned. I was thinking about this love and how strong it is. I was thinking as I drove away from her birthday weekend in Idaho that the worth of souls is indeed great. That one tiny person's worth is so great and means so much to me. I was thinking about how much we love her and how she is unique in our family, I wondered, if we loved each other as much as we could. I don't mean to say that by loving our niece we diminished our love for each other but this is an intense feeling and I was trying to figure out what made it so different. Why are children loved so much? I thought of some of the things that made them different than their older versions and came up with this: they need you for their every need and so require your love; they are innocent and so have not yet obtained a past or any negative traits...in other words they have received no demerits and so have not earned any reason for a lack of love; their potential is intoxicating and exciting and inspiring because no time is yet lost. I'm speaking now of course of children in general, not necessarily one's own because unconditional love is kind of exempt and my parents love for me is still pretty ridiculous. I heard a young woman talk about her career as a first grade teacher and her love of little children and their awe inspiring and, feeling the same, know that it is a feeling had by many for children and is a mystique that all children, yours or not, carry. I think that for the same reasons that children are loved, some adults are overlooked or unloved or forgotten about to be loved. Most adults don't need another to care for their physical needs. Time has passed and errors have been made so there are black marks on their records. And time has passed and some opportunities are gone and the adult seems to have less potential. It is my budding opinion that none of these things are as they appear and that the difference between adults and children is smaller than is thought. Though physically one may be able to provide for one's self, emotionally, that is not the case. I know many adults who are cold are hard and who seem to need no one who I would guess, and acutally know in some cases, need others to an even greater degree than most. As for the black marks on the past, in the religious views of many, including myself, there was a price paid to have those removed and so the done and atoned for cannot receive condemnation from another who is similarly patched and made whole. This too is maybe even a reason to love more. The potential we have to love another is great. Change is always an option and the need to be loved is always there and if we would look around and if we tried to see with clearer eyes, we would see the vulnerable, loveable children in the eyes of those twenty, thirty, sixty, or eighty years removed from their first birthdays. To hold them now may require a different understanding of how to hold them, but it is no less necessary than it was when those who loved them first could wrap their arms entirely around them.

Red Hair Girl, I salute you!!

2008-10-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

Today I was driving back to work from my lunch break and I saw the coolest hair ever. My first instinct was, "Whoa!" in a bad way. But then, I looked again, and I approved. The girl had a pretty face and the weirdest/most amazing urban/classy/business sense of style. She was coming out of Guru's which also helps define her type (the "I'm cool in a way that's not normal trendy but yes, still trendy in my own way" restaurant in town). I needed to put my finger on the red. It was not the normal orange/autumn of a natural red head or the maroon/purple of a fake red. I kept thinking and it came to me...it's superhero red. Yep...I couldn't decide how to explain it other than superhero red. I could picture it in any comic strip or cartoon for that matter. I'll have to check with Crayola of course. I think they're the ones who coin color names. Anyway, in that moment, driving down Center Street, she was my hero! Red Hair Girl, I salute you!

Blinders

2008-10-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

Narrow-mindedness...I suffer from it...I won't deny it. I am not informed about the financial crisis in the country, I'm too busy thinking about how to save money for tuition and balancing my own checkbook. I don't focus on other lives enough because I am to busy going to my job, then home to study for my math class/fall asleep/run errands alone/go to the meetings and activities I have to go to. I don't like living like this. I'll admit that sometimes I wish I lived with a family or had more constant companionship just for the sake of getting out of my own head more often. I started this blog to share an experience. Back ground knowledge facts: 1) In the religion I attempt to practice, there is a meeting for young adults in the middle of the week and it's called institute. 2) Also, when I was a kid I wanted to grow up I wanted to be a mommy (and still do). I have since begun to pursue other things like the next best thing as I get my education in teaching but generally, the idea of being a wife and mother has occupied a great many of my spare thoughts during my adult years (for good or ill, still true). Story...last summer I was in a relationship, however short it was, it was a relationship...and that was new and fun. I found myself in this institute class with the wonderful kid I was dating and had the strangest, best, most out of self experience I'd had in a long time and have maybe had since. Those things spoken about in the institute class, things like faith, hope, patience, anything speaking to the mortal experience of progress and change and waiting through the bad and being excited about the good suddenly applied to everything but the all-encompassing thoughts of marriage and children. Those are great things to be concerned with but, for the time, a relationship was in hand and that aspect of my life was not a worry! It was so refreshing. There is life outside of my/our little bubble of concern. One day something that has concerned you for a what seems like forever will suddenly not exist any more and there will be a new (for a moment refreshing) set of concerns. The object of remembering and sharing this experience is an attempt to promote the ability and awareness of the world outside of my/our little space in it. So, I listen to NPR and the more conservative KSL. I sidewalk chalk a friend's doorstep. I join a volleyball team. And I do my math homework and make my lunch before I go to my job. I also work out so that in my attempt to be well rounded, I don't just become round...haha! Here's to removing the blinders (please don't actually think to hard about the purpose of blinders for a horse...there is a purpose and it makes sense but it does not apply to this analogy).

Leaves fall and so do cars

2008-10-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Today I went for a walk. I went for a walk on my lunch break in my favorite burnt yellow coat and favorite scarf. I had been having a good day at work and was stressed about some things I had to take care of before a meeting that evening. It is Autumn and the trees are beautiful and, though it had been a cold weekend and was about to get warm for a while, at that moment it was a most beautiful October day. And then a little pop sound and car was sideways on the side walk on the grass about a block and a half in front of me. I had just stopped to fix my shoe and looked up and there it was. Five or six people ran out of near by houses on phones and I saw an old car in the middle of the road. These things all happened before it really sunk in that a car accident had just happened. There had been no screeching or smashing metal, just a pop and someone's world had been turned completely upside down (both literally and figuratively). Can I just say that my first instinct really was, "Someone must have misplaced that car." But no really, I wondered (briefly) if one of those car-carrying big rigs had accidentally dropped something. No, that was not the case. Then, I couldn't get myself to walk any further. I had no phone on me, just my keys, and others had just made that call. I am also no longer CPR certified...these all went through my head. I also shouldn't go because if I did, then the ambulance that quickly got there would also have a shock case on their hands and I didn't want to detract from the matter at hand. In all honesty I was terrified of what I'd see. I then stood there for the next twenty minutes as three police cars, two ambulances, and a firetruck arrived and did things I couldn't see behind the car. I waited on the corner, first pondering why I didn't run toward it and then offering my prayers as my way of contributing. I wanted to see what was going on but didn't want to go further to goggle. I waited. I wanted to see stretchers move to the ambulance with people sitting upright or at least not covered completely in a white sheet. I did see one go out from behind the car but couldn't see details because of all of the emergency vehicles parked in front of it. Eventually a walker came by from that direction and I asked her what she had seen. The car in the middle of the road was a Cadillac. This then explained the older man just being wheeled into the ambulance sitting upright. A Cadillac can hold it's own and an old man would be the driver of this old car. I had seen that the other car had flown to the grass like a toy and was told that the Cadillac only had some damage in the front. The woman I talked to hadn't seen anybody coming out of the cars and walked on. I worried about the first stretcher I saw go out. They had taken a long time and yet, the ambulance didn't rush away with him/her. Why wasn't it moving? Were they in stable condition or...
Someone's life had been critically altered, or ended... people were out with their children, traffic was zooming by in importantly busy lunchtime traffic, going to meet business colleagues to discuss important matters or friends to relax with, the trees were changing and a light breeze moved them in and out of soft light, and a young woman staring from the corner about a block away just stopped worrying about "things."

Two sides to every coin

2008-10-09T15:41:00.001-07:00

I am not always right. But in my head I am...unless I'm not, in which case the right thing is to apologize or change my ways. If I don't change, the evidence would show that I must no think there is anything to change...or that I am human and though I have the desire to change, the ability or will to do so is weak.
In the past week or two I have observed a couple things that have shown me that there are always two sides to every story. Experience 1: I heard two colleagues talking about the education system (Note: when I grow up, I will be a teacher). The one mentioned that a grandchild with a special need was not being helped by the public school system in the town in which she lived. Her mother had decided to home school her because of the inability of one teacher to give her the attention she needs due to the other 30 kids in her class...understandable. She was frustrated though because the school was not offering her much assistance in her home-schooling endeavors. The comment was made something to the effect of, "Well of course not, they're not getting money to work with her." It came out in a tone that would imply that the school wouldn't care because they were not receiving money to assist that student. I understood this as a frustrating experience. On the other hand, I've spent some time in the field of education in my preface to the real time I will get to spend again in a couple years. Yes, the school is not getting money for that child and so yes, they are probably take a lighter interest in her. But, if it is hard for a teacher to work with the 30 students in her class and to come up with ways of helping a student with a disability in her class, then having the student out of class and having to come up with even extra materials to help her will be even more difficult. On another note, the student's disability is one that is accommodated for in the public school system and is one that can be helped by more peer interaction, not less, so the school probably thought they could offer her help within the programs they provided. And lastly, though districts are concerned with money, educators don't choose their field because of the yachts and mansions it promises. Generally, or at least at first, it is because they care about children. And as for the adage, "Those who can't do, teach," I've seen many teachers who could have been a lot of things and who run a "would be" crazy classroom with the skill that would be required to run any company or office. Those who can do much and choose to be with children are not choosing a lesser employment. Example two: a friend of mine recently spoke with one of the higher management in her company. They spoke of the propriety of personal conversations between employers and employees in a company. The CFO/ COO/CEO (choose your acronym) spoke of the wish to be one of the girls and get to talk about normal things with those below her in the company's hierarchy but knew that would be inappropriate. She said she hated the more formal, pinched, nervous edge she saw everyone get when she entered a room. Her view of the employees views on her were fairly accurate...she scares people. But turns out she's fairly human: excepts the occasional personal call during the day, laughs, eats, etc. Interesting...
So weird. My problem comes in when the fact is that sometimes one side is right. I know people whose senses of reality are so wrong (If you're the only one thinking something or if everyone else is the bad guy and not getting along with you, look at the common factor in the equation. It may mean you're unique or a revolutionary...or it may mean your just wrong). The problem there is trying to convince that person that you're side of the coin is the right one!!! Overall this week made me feel very connected to the rest of the human race...each peson generally and genuinely believing something and very often completely misunderstanding each other. Maybe, if it's not life or death, or on a subject on which you have a real moral drive to defend, then let it go. Good luck with that...I know I'll need it! In the mean time...HEADS OR TAILS!

Putting the "re" in rejected

2008-10-06T09:32:00.001-07:00

So, let's look at the suffix "re." "Re" at the beginning of a root word makes that thing happen "again," or, "over." So, to reenter means to enter again and redo means to do over. Now, I don't think "ject" in reject is a typical root word because it has no meaning on its own. But, for the sake of this blog, I have been re-rejected...rejected again, and over again. So...story begins when BFF HRH inherited tickets from her sister and 4 is the number of the both of us plus dates. Ahhh, to get a date...frustrating! I tried three times! Three times! And still didn't get a date. Now, the last one seemed like he was sad he had other plans (we received the tickets two days before the event). But the first two...I'm not kidding...it was a lot like they needed to "wash their hair" that night!!! The first one said he thought he would be able to but then TEXTED that he had looked at his calender and had a big project the next day. I don't know about you, but if I even like the guy as person, I get the project/homework done in time to go on the date! Whaaaa! The second, without a heart beat's pause said, "I'm sorry, I have plans that night. But thanks for asking." That translates to the way we've been taught to gently say no to a date invitation. For being a boy, he sure knows the routine (I'm thinking boys in this town probably get asked out more than they should and so they've learned how to be on the other side...gracefully bowing out). WOW! Ouch! Pain! And yet, how fun to have the experience of being rejected outright! It's...new anyway! Yeah for experience! I've never been just rejected. I've never been in the position to be rejected. I've gotten hints or I've just not been asked out by guys I may be interested in, but REJECTED! Also, earlier in the month, I went after a new kid in the neighborhood (translated to, invited him to two activities I planned and spoke with him for a minute at a church activity...so not like scary...just putting myself out there). At the church activity, I'm not even joking, I'm talking to he and a friend for a grand total of 3 minutes. Their sitting down eating and I join them. He then goes to "get seconds" and never comes back! Then, his wing man that I stay talking to, ups and leaves too and, no we're not in a group with other people to talk to. He leaves, and I'm sitting alone! DO I SMELL? Something is up...but back to the problem at hand..Masochistically I plowed on and got through three phone calls with no date. Then a roommate who wanted to set me up with her cousin sometime in the near future anyway decided this would be a good opportunity and saved me from more torture! It's been a (no adjective encompasses it all...annoying, interesting, trying, laughable) month!

Each and Every

2008-09-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

Some of the things we say...funny! "Each and every," for instance, is a redundant statement. I have always overlooked what I thought was a silly phrase, by assuming that, for it to become as popular as it has, it must be valid and that I was just missing something. I even analyzed the two words and thought that maybe each felt more individual and every referred to the whole group. If this is a saying you employ, I apologize...maybe I'm not being cordial, benign, or forbearing. But, the facts are these*... in a thesaurus, you'll find the one as a synonym for the other so really, they don't need to be said together. I'd like to refer you to my first degree; English. Though it will not provide me with the career I will someday have teaching fourth graders or wealth or fame, it has made me, if not an expert, at least a keen observer of the English language. Much like in politics, where we put down that which we don't completely understand, I concede that I error in the use of language as well. But, it sure is fun to play with and wonder about and analyze.
*"The facts are these," is a nod to one of my two favorite TV shows, Pushing Daisies (the other being The Office.) The narrator begins to explain a new fact to the story by beginning with that phrase.

Melancholy Thoughts

2008-09-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how closely connected the mind and body are. Starting last night, I have felt my mood take a turn for the worse and low and behold, this morning I awakened with a sore throat. I went to work for the first half of the day and felt the depression inside of me combined with the onset of the beginnings of a sickness. Side note: Do you know why leaves change color in the fall? I didn't...I thought they were just dying. In reality, the tree is going into a kind of hibernation. It has turned off the chlorophyll (the food maker) in it's leaves and has started to live on it's reserves. The chlorophyll only works with sunlight and because the days are getting shorter, it can't do much of it's work anymore. So, the green leaves the leaves (tongue and mind twister) and the other colors are left. Cool huh? Back to my sickness. I felt a kind of turning in in my mind and my body as my body went into a survival mode before sickness. So, I left work after lunch and went home to nurse my hurting body and mind. While home I slept and read the rest of my book, The Scarlet Pimpernel. What a wonderful book! Anyway, I will finish this post with a couple of quotes from it. Being sick is really interesting. I find that I feel the world is crashing in on me when I'm sick and that not only is my body not right but nothing else in my life is either. It is a weird sensation to have these feelings on the inside and have everything normal around you. The pretty and happy and good in the world around you seem to taunt the fact that not everything is right inside of you. I have felt this also during my favorite season...autumn...hmmm... For some reason for me there is kind of sadness in autumn. The fall had always meant the stress of a new school year and that stress seemed such a stark contrast to the beauty of the changing scenery around me. The beautiful colors and the feel of the air seemed to mock my need to spend time in a cold, gray classroom or library. Here's a quote..."She was in the mood [melancholy] when the sea has a saddening effect upon the nerves. It is only when we are very happy, that we can bear to gaze merrily upon the vast and limitless expanse of water, rolling on and on with such persistent, irritating monotony, to the accompaniment of our thoughts, whether grave or gay. When they are gay, the waves echo their gaiety; but when they are sad, then every breaker, as it roll, seems to bring additional sadness, and to speak to us of hopelessness and of the pettiness of all our joys." Amen I say to that...the sea and other things as majestic and large, as only nature can offer, allow for a large void in which either our joys or sorrows must expand in order to fill. Luckily for now, I am healthy enough in spirit to be able to discern the virus' unrighteous conspiracy and put it's attack on my body and mind at bay with orange juice and good reading respectively. For a final and fun quote having nothing to do with the above thoughts and everything to do with the other thoughts that further cloud my already overcast day, I offer the discription of the heroine in the story I've read and of many other females in their quest for the love of a good man, myself not discluded. " A woman's heart is such a complex problem--the owner therof is often most incompetent to find the solution of this puzzle."

It's a Girl!!!

2008-09-04T10:31:00.001-07:00

I was just called by American Fork High School to be told that my daugher was there in the office not feeling well and to be asked if I gave my permission to allow them to give her Tylenol. Wow! I sure hope she feels better. I have a daughter in high school...so much for feeling behind!!!
P.S. I did of course inform them that I am just 25 and so that would be a miracle for me to have a high schooler. The poor girl is still in pain and has not yet been given drugs.

"Just (laughin') and (runnin') in the rain..."

2008-09-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Labor Day everyone! So I was talking to my roommate yesterday and I asked, "Is there anyone we're supposed to be honoring tomorrow, or just ourselves?" Turns out, just ourselves! So with no labor to perform and no cemetaries or parades to attend I began my day bright and early at 9:30 am (wow! I slept in) and decided to go for a nice walk. Georgous morning! It had rained all night and was completely overcast, not just cloudy. I think in French the word is "couvert" which means covered. There is another word for just normal cloudy but I forget it now...So I began my walk. I wasn't in a running mood, just a walking on. I have this big square south of BYU's campus that I do. I was on the first leg when it started to sprinkle. I was smiling to myself thinking, "Oh how pleasant!" I had tried to gauge what kind of day it would be before I left and new it had rained all night so thought it would start again in the afternoon sometime. My estimates were incorrect. The sprinkle turned into a pour. But I was determined and I wanted to get my workout in. I did kind of start laughing to myself though. Can I just say it's a good thing that we're not all crazy people cautious anymore with straight-jackets being thrown on people left and right cause a girl walking in the rain laughing to herself would definitely have been a candidate for a check-in to a room with padded walls. Before long I was drenched but I continued to try and convince myself that it would be okay. "Hey," I thought, "this is just like swimming only I'm on land and dressed. It is still a wet workout!" Well pouring turns into pelting and the rain starts going horizontally and the thunder and lightening start shaking...I felt so alive and wonderful. The future mother in me said, "You're going to get a cold," inside my head but then I thought about the state of my immune system and recalled my good eating, sleeping, and workout habits of the previous week and so I kept going. But as the rain gets harder so does my laughter and then I start laughing not only at the situation but at laughing to myself. I become aware of the fact that, as fun as this is, the rain is coming hard and is now stinging my the unprotected, now frozen skin of my bare legs and arms. Ahead I see a cute Italian restaurant that has those striped overhangs in a spot they usually have little round tables in and I run another block and jump a thigh high fence to get in. Continuing to laugh I watch as the Labor Day festivites accross the street are being ruined as people run from booths and hide in cars or stay to protect and cover the items they're selling. I stay there for 20 minutes and to quickly rush through those minutes the list of things I think of while pacing in the 12 foot by 4 foot area are as follows: boy that was fun; the differece between me and Gene Kelly is that the "Singin' in the Rain" set must have had heated water pouring over him; wow that puddle's a good one...I'll have to jump in it on my way back to the car; I would love to be out there in the rain kissing someone right now. After some time passes I remember the forecast as being rain all day and look up to see not a spot of blue sky anywhere. I'm going to have to brave it! I run all the way back to the car ((8 blocks), laughing the majority of the way. When I get to the car I get a blanket out of the trunk and wrap in it before I sit down because well I guess that being wet is going to do something to my '92 Ford Taurus that I haven't vacuumed in a month...go figure! I had a few things I needed at the grocery store and so I go in with the goal of not staning in one place long enough to create a puddle that would then be a triping hazard to other Allen's patrons. When I get home I plan to to shower, make a yummy breakfast, and drink some hot chocolate and then curl up with my math book. But, I am not that cool and all of those things happen except the math part. I do everything to avoid math including hand washing a dress I might now wear till next summer...hmmmm...interesting. All in all a great experience. Getting stuck with Gene Kelly in the rain would have been nice and if it had been a hot Mathematician instead of math book the curling up on the couch may actually have happened! The rain stops two hours later and Labor Day ends a beauiful, crisp Autumn day. I love this season. Happy September First everyone!

Irony

2008-08-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

Yes I read the Twilight Series and yes I am exhausted today because yes I stayed up till 2:30. What?! I left work yesterday after having changed into my workout clothes and went to park at the park I park at to start my run. Well park I did...I got a blanket out of the trunk and grabbed my newly borrowed book to read a chapter before I went for my run. Well a chapter turned into more and before I new it I needed to get home for my dinner group. Dinner was great, thanks HRH, and then I'm off again reading. It is a beautiful cloudy day (yes perfect for a vampire book) so I read outside in the coolish weather of a glazed over hot summer day. I read, and read...my roommates come out to read or talk but talking is not working because I'm into this book. They both, eventually, go back inside and I keep on. I faintly notice that the evening is upon me and that their are more bugs around considering that time of day but I keep going. Bless my roommate, she turns on the porch light, enabling my addiction to continue in spite of the growing dark...for a therapist that wasn't very smart but as a friend I thank her for allowing me a few extra minutes before...bloodsuckers! I'm being eaten alive! Mosquitoes of all things ruin my time with a book about their grown up friend the vampires...wow! I go inside to avoid the one blood thirsty creature and curl up on my couch with Oreos, milk, and the other blood thirsty creatures in my book and imagination. And I keep going. Can I just say, as an aside, that I don't even like the writing. The story is great and I just have to know what happens but the author plays the same cord over and over. Maybe she's just that good because she sounds so like a teenager. Every entrance of a character in the book is marked by sheer exultation or extreme terror and every exit by an intense loss and wonder if they will ever meet again. It's all or nothing (but usually all)! Ridiculous and yet compelling, I read on. When I know I must go to sleep and then work the next day before I get the chance to read again I am acutely (a word the book would probably overuse) aware of my similarity to the dramatic characters in the book. If only I live through this day to dive again into the cool caress of the pages I will be able to live through the rest of my life knowing that, though never in that perfect place again, I once knew what it was to be consumed by...not sure and that's where the poetry ends!

Penny From Heaven

2008-07-30T18:40:00.001-07:00

I just started reading this children's book Penny from Heaven by Jennifer L. Holm. I picked it from my shelf of books for my future classroom and read a 100 pages in between working on my lemon bars (first time with lemon bars and I don't think they turned out right though I wouldn't know because I always pick whatever is chocolate). Anyway, the girl gets her nickname from her dad's favorite song (which happens to be the Bing Crosby song you are listening to right now). I liked the sentiment of the song and it follows pretty well what is going on in the lives of the characters so far... a lot of unhappy people for whom dreams have died. I imagine things will turn out really well for them because that's the point right? April showers bring May flowers! Such has been my life recently and can I just say, the little May buds are sure looking promising!

P.S. Just got back from the party I took the lemon bars to...turns out they were a hit. I got a lot of compliments. I didn't have one of course...gotta love chocolate!

Blind Dates and Bleu Cheese

2008-07-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am going on my fourth blind date this summer! Wow! For one thing, "blind" is the worst description of the kind of date you go on with someone you've never met before. Eyes are wide open on blind dates! It's like a date in Provo on steroids. Many dates in this town seem to have the hovering questions of, "Would he make a good father?" or, "What kind of wedding ring could he afford?" but blind dates are ridiculous. With regular dates, two people have spent some time together, have enjoyed talking, and know they would like to spend at least another two hours together. The pressure is off...some things are already established. On a blind date though, all judgements must be made. This person is not in your regular group of people so any decision to see them again would be an effort. So, if other dates have any kind of undue pressure, blind dates surpass them all. So, what will my date reduce me to in the course of our dinner and a movie (which my roommate and I discussed as not bad if there is no interest because hey, free meal and no talking during the movie but an okay start if he is cool but please move on out of the cliche). Well, he will note that I am tall...and that I am not quiet! I had this discussion with a friend and he told me that he would describe me as flamboyant. Now, while not being a bad thing, flamboyant is not exactly synonymous with feminine, which I so want to be. This same former "friend" of mine said that at first he did not think I was his type because of that loudness but that after a while he realized he really liked me. How does that help me in a blind date situation? I have described myself as an acquired taste...like bleu cheese or Picasso (which I still am not into) I am not at first easily palatable but after a while, to the refined palate, I am a delicacy (something like that). I hate the idea that there is something that takes getting used to about me but I'm learning to roll with it. So, in case this blind date is someone I could be interested in, here's hoping he liked blue cheese the first time he tried it!

Gravity!

2008-07-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com
Gravity- the force of attraction by which terrestial bodies tend to fall toward the center of earth; heaviness or weight.
Inertia- the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.
If I was awake during this part of my physics class, I believe that one of the reasons inertia is not as perfect as it would be in outer space is because gravity is present on earth (and friction) and the like. I have noticed these scientific principles present in the lives of myself and people around me recently (and not in the keeping us from floating away kind of way). Of course the gravity (the other gravity) of some of their/our situations would explain this heaviness but I refuse to believe that life has to be as cumbersome or monotonous as I am seeing it made.
I see people, often single people, getting into a rut, a rut that rivals that of an army man in routine and a corpse in excitement. Work, home, TV...work, groceries, home, TV...break it up...work, car wash, home, MOVIE...Wow, that sounds like fun. Unless acted upon by an outside source, preferable a tall, dark, and handsome outside source, I fear that these objects will remain at rest (because this lifestyle could not possibly be considered in motion). Though I want that outside force I don't think that HE should be counted on to change anything or waited on to begin change in life.
Another thing that worries me is when I see people content with their lives...that sounds wrong. Contentment is a good thing but when I see people settling, then I get worried. As my good friend, and therapist, HRH pointed out, it is better that these people be happy with their situations than unhappy. I guess it's not the situation or weather or not they should be happy...it's hearing them admit they are not but being unwilling or too lazy to take action toward being really happy. Does this make any sense. The same life can be lived with the same circumstances but with different attitudes and drives it can be totally different...I might edit this later...

Sneaking!

2008-06-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

I went sneaking the other day. I snuck! Probably not a word. It was dark and I crept around, hiding behind trees, lying flat to the ground...nothing sinister...just not wanting to be seen. I have a lot of fun on my own and there was giggling and theme music like Kronc sings for himself on The Emperor's New Groove. I think that maybe I am starved for adventure and sneaking seems like a really good way to release adrenaline. It's like toilet papering the house of a guy you like in high school. It's very exciting! Now if you are a stalker or have ill intentions I suggest not stalking but rather seeking help. If you are a girl (or boy) who needs adventure, totally sneak! Maybe doorbell ditch (with cookies) or write something in sidewalk chalk. Hey, I heard about a game called fugitive where teams in cars drop someone off at point A and the idea is to get to point B without the people in the car catching the "fugitive". Cool huh? Hey, if anyone wants to play, you let me know! Night games...fun!!! If you think this all sounds creepy, you just look inward and you'll know you've felt the same way. And hey, if cookies end up mysteriously at your door, just remember that that yumminess was the product of sneaking. Of course, if your CDs are stolen out of your car, that is sneaking too and that is the bad kind (but if a Michael Buble CD was taken, I plead the fifth). I vote "yes" on the good kind of sneeking!

I believe in aging gracefully!

2008-06-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

I had a thought on my way to work today. I drove by an establishment of some kind that had those little planter boxes at their windows. The place wasn't exceptionally well taken care of but the planter boxes were colorful...because there were fake flowers in them! It just looked out of place. I've seen that before. To me there is something wrong when you see fake flowers pushing out of the ground in mid winter or with fall leaves all around them. I don't like fake flowers like that. There are cycles to things...it is unnatural for flowers to be in bloom in some seasons and they just look out of place. I realized this applies to lots of fake things. Certain architecture looks inappropriate in a mountain setting. Plastic dinnerware looks bad on nice wooden tables. Plastic looks bad in tight faces that long ago should have showed signs of well lived years. Now if I ever do get plastic surgery, just know my opinion has changed or call me a hypocrite...but if you do, call me a pretty hypocrite!

Half full nothing...it's overflowing!

2008-06-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

My life is so full! You can see life as the glass being half full or half empty but I'm feeling like it's more like beverages for two or three or one glass with a puddle forming around it...and not of something boring like water but kool aid or chocolate milk. I'd been thinking recently about how much I have to do and getting a little stressed by it. Then I took a second to realize, all of the things I do are things I LIKE DOING! For example yesterday had a list like this...1. Work at a job that pays well and has air conditioning in the summer to earn money for school 2. Go tutor a fifth grader in reading (doing this for a children's literature class) which means spending time doing something I'm going to work hard for two years to get to do...I love teaching! 3. Run home and make dinner for my dinner group...yeah freinds 4. Drving between all of theses places which translates to 10 minute stints of doing nothing but thinking and watching the clouds. 5. Work on stuff for church calling 6. Contact some friends... 7, 8, 9, all good too! Could life get better? I submit that it could not. I thought of a list of things to do that would be something to get worked up about... 1. Sell hair to buy potatoes for dinner (yes literature reference and no my hair is not that long yet) 2. Chew on glass (think about it...that wouldn't be comfortable) 3. Be not busy and sit around letting my brain turn to mush until it falls out of my head and becomes a side dish to the potatoes for dinner...yuck! See what I'm saying...horrah for busy!

Cute as a button!

2008-06-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking of things that made me happy and among them were old-fashioned aprons, my niece, hot air balloons, the smell of chlorine, and buttons. Buttons really are cute. Oh! Speaking of buttons, this girl has them on her shirt doesn't she? This happens to be a picture from an artist whose work a coworker introduced me to (my friend's uncle's dog) named Emily Martin. Her somewhat dark, somewhat old-school, all the way wonderful stuff is found on Etsy with the username The Black Apple. And it's well...cute as a button!

Don't judge me!

2008-05-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about the phrase, "Don't judge me!" My friend, HRH, and I have. We recognize that it is only used when someone feels they will be judged in the wrong. Like, "I ate a whole cake in one sitting...don't judge me!" To judge is to make a call for good or ill. This phrase is only used though in the negative. Other than showing a lack of confidence, it also shows a narrow understanding of the term. We've decided that if we want to be fair, and that is that we should not pass judgment on each other at all, then we need to do so in both directions. So when a positive comment is made, we've decided to say, "Don't judge me!" Let's try it out..."You look really nice today, I like that blouse."
Correct Response: "Don't judge me."

They Way Things Were

2008-05-31T22:06:00.000-07:00

Last week my sister and her family and I went to Gardner Village in Utah. It is a cute little outdoor shopping area with the boutiques set up in little houses connected by brick paths to each other to create the feel of a village. It was lovely. Quite lovely. Why don't we use "lovely" very much anymore. Anyway, while we were there we fell in love with a shop called The Village Whites Shoppe. It had lacy pretty everything (I bought a table runner to go with serving ware I already have). While there I just thought, why don't I know how to make this stuff. Why don't I have a whole hope chest full of it. There are some traditions that die that just shouldn't. Registering for china is one of them...brides should get china. Anyway, so I thought of other things that we have made worse by making more complicated.

Eating...we'd all be healthier if we took time to eat at home with our families or friends. McDonald's would be out of business, but is that so bad. We'd have healthier bodies and smarter children (spending time talking with adults is important for them).
Working out...if we still had fields we were laboring in, instead of spending 8 hours a day on our backsides, we would not need to go indoors to work out.
Entertainment...I just spent my whole Saturday evening pretending to play tennis and go bowling. Why don't I just do those things instead of computer simulate them (the Wii is pretty fun...especially with beginners luck because I rocked the socks off of my friends).
I'm sure there are more but I'm not really trying to be down on the era I live in...some things just strike me as odd that's all.

Words of Wisdom

2008-05-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Since I'm a future and former educator (not current) then I thought I should start promoting literacy. I'm in a great children's literature class right now and last night's reading taught me a new term. Aliterate! Aliterate apparently describes someone who can read but doesn't. I know I was aliterate growing up. While my sister was inside reading, I'd go outside and jump rope by myself. Books just didn't interest me. I loved being read to by my mother. She's an elementary school teacher and she read just like she should with emphasis and everything. I also liked the books I read at school but at home I just had too much else to do (Barbies, bikes, and yes...TV). Anyway, the book, or rather the author, also said that he had read over a library door the saying, "The person who can read, and doesn't, is no better than the person who can't read." (Children's Literature Briefly, Michael O. Tunnell and James S. Jacobs, Pearson Education Inc., 2008) So, I've become a reader, more recently than I would like to admit, and right now I'm reading Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, for the same class. All of this intro just because I wanted to share a sentence out of the book that struck me; talk about long winded. The main character is in an airplane for the first time. Not just an airplane, but a little one, and he's riding in the copilot's seat! The old pilot teaches him how to use the steering wheel (called something different in planes) and the pedals. He's hesitant but the pilot encourages him with, "Good plane like this almost flies itself." After a successful try the boy says, "It's easy. At least that part." I found the pilot's response to that comment very encouraging to the hesitant feeling some have for learning new things. He says, "All of flying is easy. Just takes learning. Like everything else. Like everything else." Wow! I think the same concept applies to how 3rd graders think 6th grade is scary but 5th graders may not because it's just the next step in their progress. There's progress again. Anyway, I think I'll frame it or something. ;)

A spoonful of sugar...

2008-05-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

In every job that must be done
There is an element of fun
You find the fun and snap!
The job's a game.
And every task you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A lark! A spree! It's very clear to see...
Good song, huh? I'd never thought about the first part of the song, A Spoonful of Sugar, from Mary Poppins, until just this morning. I am embarking on a second education. No, not a higher, higher education, just a second one. I am going back to school for a second bachelors (this time a BS not a BA so a little different) because I figured out what I wanted to do when I grew up a few years into already being grown up. This fact is, admittedly, really bothering me. In my "plans" I would have already "arrived" by now. Arrived is such an interesting thing though I guess and kinda vague...but it's a faulty thought process I have that does make my life hard. I like being there, not getting there. Case in point...family vacations. My parents were amazing at taking us on family vacations as kids. Apart from the New York, Nauvoo, and DC trips, everything else was done in the car. That includes yearly trips to Mammoth mountain, a Yosemite trip, an awesome Oregon/Washington/Canada trip, New Mexico (parts of which are surprisingly well, alive) including the Grand Canyon, beach trips, etc. It was great. Guess what I did the whole time. Sleep. I slept through some of the most beautiful parts of our country because I just wanted to be at our destination. Wow huh! Well this is a tale tell sign. I don't like the process of learning and growing up. I want to be finished. I keep thinking of two years from now. This is what it includes: graduation, job lined up for teaching, longer hair, smaller waist, and more. Even then I get to thinking ahead of that and want to be at the end of my first year teaching (again) and be engaged...but what then...fourth year teaching, married, children on the way...no, no, no...done teaching, kids grown up, gray hair, cars paid off, retirement...dead!!! There are so many things along the way that I really want to just be able to drink in and so I am trying. Those verses from A Spoonful of Sugar are going in a cute frame I just got with old school pictures of kids jump roping and fairies and Popsicles. I need to remember to find the element of fun in the job that must be done. And I need to remember that that job is my life and learn to enjoy it.

Subtlety

2008-04-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

Subtlety is a lost art. I had a great conversation with a film nut friend about The Office this week. He has seen the BBC version but not a ton of the American version and asked some questions trying to compare the two. He asked if they (the American version) had kept things very subtle...meaning whether or not a touch of a hand or a look still meant much. Yes!!! The answer is yes that the American version had kept things small and subtle. Instant gratification is the name of the game in a country spending millions on weight loss plans which require no real effort and eating food that doesn't require a kitchen, a table, or a family sitting around in order to enjoy. When was the last show you remember watching where you had to wait three seasons to finally see your hero and heroine finally together? The sexual tension that built over season after season is what has made the most recent season of Pam and Jim's relationship so fulfilling for their fans. Though I'm not sure how it compares to the BBC version (because I have not seen any of it) I know that our version makes up for sweet and subtle with the dramatic and shallow relationships of the other characters. I guess coming from a girl (maybe just the being a girl says enough) who over analyzes things and has had to at times live from day to do on the touch of a hand, I am refreshed by the more realistic world that The Office provides. Now if you'll excuse me, I can't wait until the next episode so I'm going to go OD on reruns!!!

The grass is greener on "the other side"!!!

2008-04-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yes my first entry in my blog is about a cemetery. No, I am not morbid...it's sheer coincidence. So, my roommate and BFF, HRH, and I went for a walk on Sunday and the closest place with green grass and walking paths to our new place was the Provo Cemetery. I used to really dislike cemeteries but have recently learned to love them. Walking through one makes me feel a sense of completion. The lives that the tombstones represent have been lived, and likely lived well. In honor of finals at BYU this week, it's a lot like the feeling of turning in a paper. Whether you think you could do better or feel like it's the best one ever, it's done and there is no more time. Well, an interesting discussion ensued while on our walk and we decided we wanted to have something interesting said on our tombstones. Beloved Wife and Mother could be said about a lot of the women in the cemetery (and about me too by the time I die) but that won't distinguish me from anyone else there. If we have personalities while here on earth, and will once we've gone too, why not in our final thought? Considering my beliefs in life after death I was thinking my last words could be something like, "See ya later!" but of course by then I will be giving profound advice to the ones I love and won't be as flippant about my death as I seem now. But, back to the matter of the tombstone...Megan and I had some ideas. She thought it would be great if the guy who did the voice for Porky Pig had, "Th...th..th..that's all folks!" on his tombstone. She had also heard of a famous radio personality having on his tombstone something like, "Will not be back after these messages." Other ideas included, "Go Hard or Go Home," because that is my recent life philosophy. But, then I though it might imply that I hadn't gone hard (meaning really tried for something in life) so I just went home. Megan altered it to, "Go Hard or Go Home...Went Hard, Gone Home!" There were goofier ones too and I can't remember all of them...Hasta La Vista Baby, She Sleeps with the Fishes (I'm a swimmer and all), Peace Out, Came and Conquered, I'll Be Back (Arnold accent implied) and there are others. Anyway, my last health ailment was an ear infection, so I wouldn't worry about me if I were you. But in case you ever need to know, I want a little bit of pizazz at my final (temporary) resting place!