To villanize or not to villanize...that is the question!

So, this morning, on my way to school, I realized something about my driving. I have created a picture so you can follow my explanation. So I'm the blue car. I came to a turn and saw that both the red car and I had a green. So, in this case, because I'm closest to the turn and the red car has to cross traffic, I was under the impression that I had the right of way...I was to turn first. What I realized though was that, when I'm in the red car's position, I feel like because I have to cross traffic, I should be the first to go, and the car closest will have more opportunities to turn so I have the right of way. You'll note, that either way, it was me who had the right of way...hmmmm! Convenient?! I think not.



I have had "bad experiences" with a couple of groups of people. In high school I had a group of friends that I never felt really happy with. During my first two years of college, I was on a swim team where I was unhappy again. In both cases I felt on the outskirts of the groups and lonely most of the time. There were many tears and counseling sessions with family and friends (a lot with my dad) on how to react, how to feel, how to responds, what to do, etc. Recently, I happened to run into one of the girls from the swim team and guess what! She's not a bad person...not at all! And the friends from high school and I have had good relationships for a while now. How is this possible.? For a while after these experiences, I felt like a victim any time I thought about these groups of people. How could they treat sweet, wonderful me with so much rudeness... it was their fault I was not included, their fault I was not happy, fault fault, FAULT. I was robbed of all of the joy that should have accompanied my glory moments in high school and my swimming triumphs in college...robbed, robbed, ROBBED!

More recently than the stories above, I have found that, in the cases of at least two people (in separate circumstances), I have been the one who is the bad guy. In the way these two have interacted with me and in their demeanor in my presence, I am sure that I have been blamed for some portion of their unhappiness. In these cases again I have counseled with others, again loved ones, who give advice and can't think of anything I could have done to have warranted such behavior. The most recent of these interactions combined especially with the random encounter with the old teammate have got me to thinking. Those who allow others to "make" them unhappy need to realize that to be happy is a decision they can only make for themselves. And those who are given credit for another's unhappiness need to examine their own actions and see what can be done to help (while not enabling), the other person so they can proceed on their journey to happiness.

In the play Wicked, The Wizard of OZ sings the song Wonderful. Explaining how he got to his position as The Wonderful Wizard of OZ he says some things about human nature that I find shocking/interesting/true. Here are a bit of the lyrics from that song:
"A man's called a traitor - or liberator
A rich man's a thief - or philanthropist
Is one a crusader - or ruthless invader?
It's all in which label
Is able to persist
There are precious few at ease
With moral ambiguities
So we act as though they don't exist..."

The people writing history books from my point of view choose to have the front cover be a portrait of me in angelic robes rescuing some fallen soldier and administering only good and love to all I come in contact with. This version of history I like. This version is not complete (I hear the popping of multiple bubbles... especially the one belonging to sister/fan club president). It is so much more pleasant, and safe to be able to label someone as good or bad. If the other is bad, then I am good. But if the other is hurt, misunderstood, depressed, defensive, etc. then what does that make me? Likely just insensitive...or a mix of another list of similarly morally ambiguous words. If other is wrong we are right...clean cut! And right we like to be...

While I'm sure there is an answer in a driver's handbook somewhere as to who has the right of way in the driving case above, I'm fairly certain that their are no clear cut answers for the other stories. There are always two sides. The options are not they're bad, I'm good or they're good, I'm bad. The other option is that we're all human (and when you think about it, that's not really an option...it's just ture). If not "bad" then better ways to describe our betimes hurtful interactions with others could include but are not limited to: careless or oblivious, insecure so needy, ego-centric so unable to focus on another's needs, tired or distracted, etc. Both sides I think also include a degree of lack of responsiblity. On the one hand, we are in charge of our own happiness and cannot rely on another to make us happy. On the other hand, once happy, we are in charge of taking care of those around us. And at any given moment, we will likely be struggling on one side or the other. So it goes. But in the end it is or responsibility to love ourselves and others, weather we feel loveable or like those around us are or not. From evidence just given, it would appear that I am not wonderful at this so instead of ending with an admonition to all, I end with a commitment to self. I will neither blame others for my unhappiness nor accept full, but be aware of some, responsibilty for another's happiness. Thank you for reading my own processing. (And feel free to make a commitment too)!

***Harry Potter fan side note: It's easy to hate Snape (it's Proffesor Snape!) throughout the series but, you know there is hurt there...he has a whole load of baggage and should definitely have sought professional help. But truth be told, James Potter was kind of a jerk when they were kids and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was a powerful figure poor little Severus could hide behind...sad and true. A strong popular kid and a sad insecure kid both had imperfections and made poor choices. Things should have been different...or should they have??